On the addiction unit where I work in nursing, I often will share with clients that the hardest thing they will ever do is GET clean; it is much easier to STAY clean one day at a time than it is to GET THERE.
Well, I have been feeling that myself right about now with my quest to lose 50 pounds. It’s HARD! I eat less. Document every little morsel I put in my mouth. Question everything about my eating. I work out regularly and focus more on aerobic activities to burn calories and less on Pilates. And still, I struggle to lose one pound. The scale remains unwilling to move, not very quickly anyway.
I often look at thin people and think how wonderful it is for them that they never have to go through this pain and suffering. They just need to keep doing whatever it is they do now and they’re good.
Although weight is not the only predictor of health and I know that. (In other words, just because someone looks thin does not mean they don’t have health issues.)
The hardest thing to do is to GET to where you are headed because you have to change everything…
- You have to admit that the way you’ve been doing things aren’t working – not to get you to where you want to be anyway. You are a master at the actions and beliefs required for living as you are now producing the results you have today.
- You have to let go of bad habits and all of the things you are accustomed to because what you do now, how you think now will not work to get you to where you want to be. You have to stop doing things the way you’ve always done them.
- You have to learn something new. You have to be willing and open to listening to other people tell you new ways of thinking about and approaching whatever your goal is. (For me, it’s about learning to live at a new, thinner weight, and first, how to GET THERE.) I mean, if you knew how to do it, you’d be doing it. You’d already be there.
- Which means you have to ask for help, research, find new ways of doing whatever it is you are trying to do. Well, most people have a hard time asking for help and admitting that they could be wrong or not have the answer. We want to be RIGHT. And we like to figure things out on our own. We hate to open up and tell others how we feel. I mean, what will people think if they knew this about me? Blah, blah, blah.
Our mind does make it tricky for us to change. In essence, you have to let go of old habits and embrace new ones. Well that’s HARD! And it requires EFFORT. And it takes TIME.
Who wants to work that hard? And really, who likes to wait? We want immediate results and instant gratification!
You have programmed your mind and your body to respond a certain way to the triggers of daily life. It’s how you operate. And now you want to change everything!? Come on! Of course, you’re going to resist.
Change – be it an addiction like drugs, drinking, sex, gambling or food, or wanting to change something else like lose weight when you’ve been heavy for many years, be happy when you’ve been too busy to care for too many years, be in love and romantic when you were only ever focused on completing the to-do list – requires that you leave behind habits of thought and behavior that no longer work for you and create new habits that allow you to create what you want.
And it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do – until, of course, you want to change something else in your life.
Your partner for success on a journey of change,
Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success
Our wedding in June was a wonderful experience. Everything turned out perfectly. It is so different the second time around. It seemed easier – easier to plan and prepare. There was less stress – no pretense, no trying to impress. Lou and I knew what we wanted and we were fine with saying no to what we didn’t want. It was just a joy, a day filled with love and laughter.
Here is a beautiful slide show of our wedding day. Enjoy the show!
http://video214.com/play/QLwsP7US65yt01R70JQ1dw/s/dark
Your partner for success,
Coach Julie, RN ~Nurturing Your Success
Guilt keeps you stuck.
It burns you up inside until you have no choice but to comply with whatever it is telling you is right. And you cannot move forward.
“Stuckness” refers to an overwhelming feeling of not having choices. You are paralyzed by your thinking.
Sometimes, guilt occurs BEFORE you change something in your life.
Guilt causes you to stop, take heed, and don’t change. There is no clear reason why you shouldn’t change things; Guilt simply doesn’t want things to be different.
Guilt doesn’t give reasons; guilt’s job is to tame you and keep things safely in your comfort zone. It likes the status quo, you see. Who do you think you are to change what it is accustomed to?
Consider this: you are fed up and want change. You decide you can no longer continue this way and you begin to take steps to change your circumstances.
BUT, you feel guilty about changing – you’ll disappoint people, what will other people do without you, blah, blah – so you hem and haw and finally, you recommit to the way things are now. Guilt holds you back from moving forward.
It becomes a vicious cycle of pain, struggle and heartache. You are a prisoner to Guilt.
Coaching Strategy for Success: Move beyond your guilt by giving yourself the POWER TO CHOOSE. Do what is best for you because you want to, not because you think you have to. Even things that are your responsibilities (have tos) are choices. You never have to; you choose to.
Guilt can also show up AFTER you’ve made your change. You left your husband. You changed jobs. You moved across country.
But you feel guilty about your decision and, since it is too late, the change has already been made; the guilt serves to keep you unhappy, miserable and well, stuck. You are not free to enjoy the changes you’ve made. This thinking keeps you focused on the past and wishing things were different…
Even if you are glad that you are not where you were!
Consider life as a journey of a thousand miles. Guilt has you looking behind you at what happened before. Being at choice means you are present and focused on what is here NOW.
You cannot change the past; there are no choices there. You either accept the past, or drag it with you into today.
By giving yourself permission to choose, you open yourself up to possibilities for a better future – and a more enjoyable today.
Guilt assumes that what you did was wrong and, therefore, YOU are wrong, bad and should be punished.
That’s guilt; it’s a form of self-punishment.
Coaching Strategy for Success: Move beyond your guilt by opening up to NEW PERSPECTIVES about your past behavior. What if you’re actions were perfect? What if the actions you took were important and essential – that you did the right thing and it was very brave? Hmmm…
Possibility thinking offers a new perspective and works to shift your focus from beating yourself up to opening yourself up. And once you are open, you are at choice and in command – rather than at the mercy of your Guilt – and you can move forward.
Your partner for success,
Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success
PS – Got guilt? Schedule a free 30-minute coaching session to learn how coaching can help free you from your guilt and embrace happiness.
As you embark upon your new path for change, set realistic expectations for success. Otherwise, you set yourself up for anger and disappointment which may lead you to quit prematurely.
Unrealistic expectations are a huge source of pain and stress as you create change in your life.
For instance, thinking that you could reverse your debt in a month when it took you years to get indebted, is unrealistic. Even if it were possible, you would find yourself back in debt in no time for you will have not learned the necessary lessons to maintain a debt-free lifestyle.
Change takes time. How much time may not be known, however, setting yourself up for disappointment could sabotage you and your efforts.
Believing that you can accomplish a change but having unrealistic expectations causes disappointment, anger and frustration. There is disconnect between what you think you should have and what it actually takes in order to achieve success. This is a game your mind plays with you and it’s not fun. You set yourself up to feel bad and be disappointed because there is no chance for success.
Change requires work. It will take time to unlearn the habits that got you where you are now and create new behaviors and habits to achieve something new. There is no instant success.
Just because you’ve decided it’s time for change and are committed to making it happen does not mean your life is [instantly] different. YOU may be different, but your external world isn’t.
There is a gap that occurs between when you set your mind on change and the change actually becomes reality. There is an internal shift that takes place first THEN your external world shifts to meet up with your new mindset.
This gap is where we become frustrated. After all, YOU are ready; why can’t you just be there already!
It doesn’t work that way. You have to travel the gap. No short cuts allowed. Lessons must be learned along the way.
- Figure out what it takes to travel the gap,
- Set realistic expectations for achieving and accomplishing the steps required to get to the other side, and then
- Take the first step!
Sometimes, you set realistic expectations but they turn out to be unrealistic. Be open to this and make adjustments.
For example, Betsy never met her sales goals. Month after month, she fell short and was embarrassed in front of her team. The sales goals were established by ‘the powers that be’ in her company. They would set high expectations so that people would work harder and harder. She had other responsibilities (like kids and a house to manage) and preferred to balance work with home life. She finally shifted her goals to be more realistic to fit her lifestyle and the time she was willing to out into sales. Now she meets her goals every month and it feels great.
Sometimes, you set realistic expectations and something unexpected happens outside your control.
For example, you are ready to retire but with the downturn in the economy, you are nervous about your level of savings. You decide it is best to continue to work for another few years.
You can only do what you can do. Focusing on and getting angry about things outside your control will not serve you.
Best to focus your attention and actions on what you CAN control, do the best you can, and make adjustments when necessary.
The message anger sends you is that something needs to be accepted. If you are angry, ask yourself what you need to accept about your situation. Frustration is a form of anger. It’s like walking into a wall and hitting your head over and over again hoping the wall will move out of your way!
Accept your reality and change direction. Set realistic expectations for success and then, let it go. Focus on your efforts and taking the next step for success.
You cannot control the outcome – only the process and what you do to move you toward your destination. Dissappointment occurs in response to unmet expectations. If you feel disappointed, check your expectations. Perhaps they are unrealistic for you at this time given outside forces. Ask what needs to be accepted about your reality, set different goals and change course if needed.
Call me if you need assistance.
Your partner for success,
Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success
PS – If you are attempting a big life change and would like some assistance, I am taking on TWO NEW CLIENTS who are interested in having a coach work with them as they take this change. As I write my book on “Motivating Yourself to Change”, you will be helping me create content for the book. If NOW IS THE TIME and you are READY TO GO FOR IT, contact me today to schedule a free coaching session. I look forward to hearing from you!
During our reception, we asked guests to share poems or words of wisdom. Here are a few of the things people shared. Enjoy -
Your partner for success,
Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success
Apache Blessing
Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be the shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be the warmth to the other.
Now you are two persons,
but there is only one life before you.
Go now to your dwelling,
to enter into the days of your life together,
and may your days be good and long upon the earth.
The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it. It is a sort of divine accident and the most wonderful of all things in life. ~ Hugh Walpole
Falling in Love
And wherever you walked, she walked with you.
And wherever you sat, she sat with you.
And whenever you slept, she slept with you.
And whenever you awoke, she awoke with you.
And however you felt, she felt that way too.
And whatever you decided, you decided with her in mind.
And whoever you are now, you are that thanks in part to her.
And this where, when, how, what, and who, is called the mystery of love.
I Love You
I love you – not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things
that you can’t help dimly seeing there,
and for drawing out into the light
all the beautiful belongings that no one else
had looked quite far enough to find.
I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life, not a tavern, but a temple;
out of the works of my every day, not a reproach, but a song.
