Assert Yourself or Eat Potato Chips

When people make requests of you, how do you respond?

Often, people can become very upset, angry – even irate - when asked for favors; when people at work ask you to do things or to take on projects; when family asks questions that are intrusive; when neighbors ask to borrow; or kids ask you to buy yet another thing they don’t need.

People can ask of you whatever they want; that’s assertiveness. In fact, if you don’t ask the answer is always no. You ask to see if it is possible to get a positive response.

When asked, however, it is up to you to be assertive in your response. Take the time to check in with yourself to determine how you feel and if this is something you want, then speak up with your response.

The other day one of the nurse managers asked if I wanted to try some potato chips. They were buttermilk and herb flavored and people were digging in.

It was nice of him to ask. I felt included. After all, he doesn’t know about my personal quest to lose 50 pounds.

This was a test of will for me. In an instant, several thoughts ran through my mind: but you are on this quest and you would have to enter those points into the Weight Watchers point tracker which would ruin your days’ point allowance. Do you really want to use your points this way?

I said “no thanks”. It was easy; I’m not a big fan of potato chips.

But what felt good was that it was not an automatic response. I didn’t have the need to “fit in” or be nice. I checked in with myself to identify what I really wanted, what was important to me, and then responded. He wasn’t offended. And that was that.

When you get angry that people ask and allow yourself to become emotional, you are focusing on something over which you have no control. It is likely that you will lash out in your anger if your emotions are not tamed.

• You might react with hostility and snap back. Some people are very good at shooting darts with their words.
• You may talk about the person to others, “Can you believe what she asked me to do? What a ^&*#!”
• You may feel that you have no choice but to comply, and then blame the person for asking.
• You may have a need to please or to be liked.

It is not their fault you have these needs. It may seem like they are taking advantage of you; but it is human nature to ask the person they believe will do the work and do it well. Ever hear the saying: Ask a busy person because they will get it done. Then the busy person wonders why they are so incredibly busy, overwhelmed, and stressed out.

Instead of getting angry, be assertive. Start speaking up and saying no.

Being assertive means that you:

• take the time to notice how you feel,
• make a decision that works best for you,
• then speak up in a way that is respectful and appreciative.

You no longer are at the mercy of your needs – or your emotions. You do not act out of obligation or need to comply or please, but rather do what is in your best interest. You honor yourself.

You are polite in your reply. You might express gratitude for the opportunity.

Do NOT apologize. If you decline, be gracious but not apologetic. You are making a choice that affirms YOU. Never apologize for that.

You don’t control what people ask or how they might respond to your reply; you only control you.

Being assertive puts you in the driver’s seat, focusing on what you CAN control (YOU), and giving you the freedom of choice. Taking charge of your time and your responses is empowering. You also gain people’s respect, increase your confidence and are more productive.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

PS. Want to learn to be more assertive? Schedule a 30-minute free coaching session to learn how coaching can teach you the skills you need to gain the cooperation and respect of others.