Be Right without Needing to Tell Others They Are Wrong
One of the biggest issues in relationships – whether on the job or in families – is the difficulty experienced when one person needs to be right.
If the other person does not have this same need, they may shrink and retreat feeling that they are not good enough.
If the other person also needs to be right, you experience a battle of the wills and it gets ugly.
At work, this can show up as the person who expects people to do things their way. “There’s only one way to get it done and it’s my way.”
When you need to be right, you generally make the other person wrong. And when you do, several things occur:
- You do not listen to the other person – you are closed, disinterested because you are already “right” in your mind.
- You disvalue the person. Because you are already right, you have no interest in them or their thoughts or opinions. They have no value.
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You can be so focused on getting things done that you also may disvalue the person.
And they feel it –
- The other person feels “wrong”, like they have no value and are not worthy of your time. At work, this results in the person feeling like they should “shut up and do as they are told” which doesn’t make for a healthy work environment. In a long term relationship, this becomes a repetitive pattern with one person feeling diminished resulting in them withdrawing and hiding the best of themselves behind a wall because no matter what they do, they are not good enough. Perhaps not intentionally, but the message is clear; you have told them so many times without realizing it.
- They may rebel and become defensive. If their self-worth is tied to their thoughts and ideas and the message you send them is that they are wrong, then they will instinctively fight.
And this is why we fight and argue, why family members don’t talk for years and years, why divorces are so mean…
You can be right without insisting the other person is wrong.
In fact, isn’t it true that the other person is right too in their own minds? With the information and from their perspective at this moment and even if they are wrong, they are right in their own mind.
Can you learn to respect that? Can you learn to step back and try to understand their perspective and learn about their level of knowledge so you would know how to better respond, if at all?
Most people cannot separate themselves from their thoughts. In other words, they believe their thoughts and beliefs ARE who they are.
You are NOT your thoughts. And you CAN LEARN to manage your thoughts rather than allowing them to MANAGE YOU.
To separate ourselves from our thoughts is quite a big task. It requires that we:
- notice our thoughts,
- notice the emotions generated by our thoughts, and
- become masterful observers of ourselves.
Masterful observers and masterful choosers.
In reality, there is NOTHING of greater value than a human life. So in that moment when you believe you are right and nothing, I mean, nothing can deter you or change your mind, OBSERVE your body for the physiological and emotional response. FEEL your blood boil and your pulse quicken. And STOP.
Breathe.
Choose instead to ask a question. BE INTERESTED in how the person thinks. Let them think their own thoughts, have their own ideas. Given their perspective on the world, they ARE RIGHT TOO.
Can you imagine how families might better get along, how many bridges might be built, and how many marriages might be saved if we could each learn to be more open to each other and NOT be so attached to our own ideas about what is right or wrong?
If you find you have something to teach, share it with them AFTER you have heard their ideas and discovered their knowledge base. Consider what you might share with them so that they leave the interaction with you feeling valued and a bit smarter for having spent the time with you.
We love hearing your thoughts! Share your comments below.
Think good thoughts -
Your coaching partners for Nurturing Your Success,
Julie Fuimano and Teresa Smith
