People shared some beautiful thoughts and poems – which I will share with you in future posts.

At night, after the wedding, Lou asked me why we didn’t write something to each other. We had been focusing on our nuptuals. He had difficulty sleeping and when he got up in the morning, he wrote this to me about our journey together – his first poem ever! Who knew he could write so beautifully? I have a feeling there is much more to him…

Let me know your thoughts. Enjoy -

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

~*~

US

Kids

Children going to school

A friendship is made

Parents

Meeting on a playground

A friendship is born

Trust

Earned as sleepovers come and go

years pass as days go by

Death. Divorce …Change

One moves, another further

Friendship dormant, but never forgotten

Life goes on

Fate

Friendships missed

A knock on the door, one afternoon

Lunch

Friendships strengthened

Realizations revealed

The night my world changed

Thoughts

In my dreams

In my arms

The line is broken

Friendship becomes something more

Is this true

Years pass

Love breaks through

Families unite

Time progresses

The question asked

Rings bought

Finally

The day comes

A day to remember

Me

Confident and successful

You

Confident and successful

US

Forever more

To the love of my life

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Pain from past experiences creates a shield to protect us from the anticipation of bad behavior from others. Often created at a time when you were unable to protect yourself, it is a wall of fear and doubt, suspicion, judgment, anger, and even hate.

For years, this wall stands guard, keeping you safe. Although the wall was erected long ago – at a different time and place – you have become used to it being there and never learned how to bring it down. Perhaps it never occurred to you to live differently; it didn’t create a problem…until now.

While the wall keeps you safe behind its confines, it also keeps you distant from others. The fear you experience keeps you in a hyper vigilant state of distrust, making it difficult to depend on or defer (delegate) to others. Your fear also keeps your focus on YOU and on maintaining your wall. This impacts your ability to cooperate and collaborate, to be productive and, well, happy.

You are not liberated by the wall; you are, in fact, a prisoner, for the best of you is locked away behind it.

In order to create productive and trusting relationships, we must learn ways to bring down, not only our own wall, but the walls of others as well.

When you want to change an outcome in your life, like most things in personal development, it starts with you.

First, bring down your wall of suspicion and judgment in how you treat and approach others. Let go of your wall – of the need to maintain your wall – and you will be free to trust yourself again (or for the first time).

Then, using empathy, you can bring down the walls of others and learn to connect at much deeper levels to create trust and open the channels of communication and cooperation.

How do you bring down your wall?

• Let go of your past and dump the hurts you carry with you,
• Give up the attitude,
• Let go of your need to be right and the attachment you have to your old way of thinking,
• Accept that the way you’ve been operating has been keeping people out and is no longer serving you, and
• Open up to new possibilities and explore different perspectives.

Thank that part of you that has been your protector for her work over the years. She has done an amazing job; it’s now time for you to take charge. She must believe that you have the necessary skills and strength to make good decisions on your own behalf.

Be patient with yourself. And give up self-judgment. You’ve been too hard on yourself for way too long.

As you bring down the wall that you hide behind, you are empowered, free to connect with others, to let others get to know you and experience you and to be more curious about what might be going on for them because you’ll be less concerned and focused on yourself.

By approaching others without a thick wall, you are communicating that you are safe. People feel comfortable working with you, making mistakes, doing their

best without fearing judgment or expecting pain.

As a leader, creating a safe space and a healthy work environment is essential to unleash creativity and productivity for producing the results you seek and for creating a workplace that brings out the best in others.

And in that space we share, there must be trust.

Respect is the key that unlocks the door and allows the person to bring down their wall so we can access their potential and start to build trust.

One way we demonstrate respect is to employ empathy. Empathy tells the person you care. Empathy allows you to approach someone without judgment, without trying to fix them or be right, but rather be curious, listen, and be with them as they express their thoughts and feelings.

Of course, you have to be sincere to use empathy and to create a trusting, safe, and healthy work environment.

Have compassion with yourself – forgive, let go, accept yourself without judgment, and start building trust with yourself. Bring down your wall so you can begin to connect more deeply.

Employ empathy with others by caring and giving them permission to be their wonderful selves behind their wall. They don’t know how to be great; although they want to be. Make it safe for them to peek out from their hiding place.

Leave your comments below. I’d love to hear from you.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. I have an opening for a new client starting in June. Call me to schedule a coaching interview now to determine if coaching will help you to achieve the success you desire.

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In planning the wedding event, I wonder what kinds of things you have either done for your relationship or witnessed others do that would make for a memorable occasion.

Would you share your story? Perhaps we’ll use it for our big day!

You can email me or comment below if you don’t mind letting others read about it.

Thank you in advance for helping us to make this day extraordinary and for sharing our joy as we consummate our relationship.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

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Do you respect yourself?

Do you trust yourself?

Ok, so there were two questions.

To build trust, it starts at home – with you!

Many people find it very challenging to trust themselves, consistently breaking promises. You say you want to do something – be on time, lose weight, etc. – but consistently, you don’t follow through and you don’t get the results you want. It becomes a vicious cycle.

If you don’t trust yourself, how can you expect others to trust you?

Trust begins with respect. Take baby steps to respect the wonderful, amazing person that you are. Learn ways to honor yourself by extending your boundaries, eliminating the junk you put up with in your life, and learning to ask directly for what you need.

It’s important that you focus on little steps you can take each day to honor yourself because you have been habituated for so long to behave the way you do that it will take some getting used to in order to change your course.

Strategies to develop self-trust include:

1) Be dependable. Honor your word and do everything you say you will do. This means, you take your commitments seriously – especially the ones you make to yourself! This may mean you do less and only take on the commitments you know you will and can follow through with. So, if you say you will lose 20 pounds or go for a promotion, then do something about it OR don’t say it!

It is acceptable and responsible to drop a goal if you are not able to commit to doing whatever it takes to follow through. If now is not a good time for you to diet or change jobs – for whatever reason – then stop “shoulding” yourself.

2) Be honest – especially with yourself. Tell the truth and people will experience your integrity. Stop living in denial, making excuses, blaming others or complaining.

We live by the stories we tell ourselves and others every day about how we live, our choices, why things are the way they are – we rationalize and make excuses. And, because we have been living these stories for so long, they FEEL like truth, when, in fact, they are creations in our minds. And they become self-fulfilling prophesies. In other words, they become truth because we think about it, talk about it, and act as if it is true.

Tell a new story. Seek a new truth and you can chart a new path.

YOU have created the life you are living right now. It’s YOUR life; and if you want something different, then YOU need to DO something different. This is where a coach can help.

3) Treat everyone with the utmost respect – including YOU. You are a child of the universe – no less than the trees and the stars – and deserve and need your love and consideration.

If you honor the human being in front of you then you will build bridges that extend beyond the wall of fear suspicion that people build for their protection. Respect that people are different with different ideas and perspectives and truths. When you eliminate judgments, people feel more comfortable. They learn to feel that they can be themselves when they are with you and they become willing to bring down their wall. (When you stop judging yourself, you feel more alive and liberated as well.)

It is behind this wall that trust can begin to take root.

Learn to trust yourself and you will learn to trust others. When you trust that you can make good decisions, that you honor yourself and are good to YOU, then you will be able to trust your inner voice when it warns you of inappropriate requests from others.

If you cannot trust yourself to make good decisions, however, you will be less likely to trust others and more likely to trust the wrong people with the wrong things creating drama, chaos, and problems.

If you don’t trust yourself, you are more likely to blame others and to fear that they are not trustworthy when, in fact, it is YOU who you cannot trust.

Coaching Challenge: What one step can you take today to begin to develop self-trust? Leave your comments below.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want to increase your self-trust? Schedule your free 30-minute coaching session to learn how coaching can support your success.

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Respect is the foundation of all relationships. Without respect, there is little we can hope to accomplish together – except incur pain.

Once respect is given, then we can start to build a trusting relationship. Trust ensures we both feel safe and are confident in the others’ abilities and our commitment to do what we say.

When trust is present, we can more easily get things accomplished eliminating the costly friction and delay that occurs when we must worry about what the other person will do.

A lack of trust means you carry suspicion and fear. So when we establish a trusting relationship, we eliminate the anxiety and concern that accompany a lack of trust.  We are free to do the work, to be ourselves and to produce amazing results.

What does it feel like when there is a LACK of trust in your relationship(s)?

• Fearful
• Worry
• Restless
• Apprehensive
• Concerned
• Angry
• Stressful

When there is a lack of trust, it feels bad. We waste a lot of time and energy doubting, worrying, wondering about the other person, what might happen and often rehearsing worst case scenarios in our mind.

It’s a cyclone of negativity that grows over time causing stress and fatigue, poor morale, a decrease in productivity and an increase in fear. (And this is spelled SICK TIME.)

Coaching Inquiry: Do any of your relationships feel this way? Which ones? What is the experience like for you? How do you feel when interacting with this person? Do you trust them – and do you feel trusted by them?

What does it feel like when there IS trust in your relationship(s)?

• Free
• Safe
• Integrity
• Comfortable
• Supported
• Appreciated
• Valued

A respectful, trusting environment feels good. It provides us with the freedom to explore more of our potential because we know that we will not be judged or treated poorly. In fact, quite the opposite! We feel accepted and this adds to our self-esteem and self-confidence which means we become more cooperative and are motivated to do more and do better work.

Coaching Inquiry: Are there people in your life who make you feel good, comfortable; where you feel accepted, not judged and are free to play, explore, and be yourself? What is different in this relationship than the other, less comfortable ones? Is trust present here?

So trust starts with respect – respect for self AND respect for others. The key to developing more trusting relationships begins with respect.

While you have no control over others, you do control you. In what ways might you improve in this area?

Start with your very next conversation.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want to learn how to improve trust in your relationships or to smooth over difficult relationships? Schedule your free coaching session with me today to learn how. It will be the most important 30-minutes of your week!

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Have you guessed it yet? Aretha Franklin sang a song about it. Yup, it’s

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

When people feel respected, they feel valued. And when people feel valued, they feel that they matter, which improves self-esteem. (Self-esteem is the value you see in yourself.)

It also improves how people feel about YOU because they know you care.

Too often, however, people look to GET respect when, in fact, it is your responsibility to GIVE respect. And the most important person to give respect to is YOU.

When you learn to honor yourself, you honor others. When you focus your energies on self-respect, self-love, and making choices that honor you, you naturally treat others with that same level of respect. To do otherwise would be disrespectful to you. And if you are disrespectful to you, you cannot truly respect others.

~ from The Little E-Book of Wisdom

Respect is the foundation for every relationship because if there is no respect, there cannot be trust. And if there is no trust, there really is no relationship.

You do not need to like someone in order to respect them.

Respect means you acknowledge their right to be human, to make mistakes, to have their own thoughts, opinions and ideas.

You acknowledge their right to be different and to have different perspectives – this is what diversity is all about.

It means you separate the person who is wonderful and amazing from their behavior which may not always be so wonderful and amazing.

You recognize that each of us as human beings has the right to be who we are and to develop and grow at our own pace.

Respect means you focus on managing yourself and regulating your emotions and responses so you do not act in ways that are disrespectful and a poor reflection on you. It means you focus on changing yourself and being your best rather than being so focused on what is wrong with others.

More than anything, people want to be respected – they want to feel that they matter – and showing someone respect, which means ‘to admire or value’, makes a person feel that they are valued.

Value someone today. (Value yourself too!)

Give up your burning desire to ‘fix’ them or their problems.

Stop turning the conversation around to your issues or stories and be interested in what the other person has to say. You might learn something new about them.

Be respectful *always* and notice what starts to happen – your relationships will shift and change and you will start to feel people open up. They will start to treat you differently.

Your compassion and respect for individual humanness will create a safe space for people to be themselves. This respect – reverence – love – will open their hearts and allow you to move beyond the fear and self-doubt that creates walls and distance between us and bridge the gap so that together we can create great things.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

PS Want to learn more about asserting yourself respectfully? Schedule your free  coaching session today. It will be the best 30-minutes of your day.

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What you think of a person is your own personal bias or judgment and needs to be left out of the conversation or else it interferes with your ability to communicate effectively.

Judgment, or the potential for judgment, causes distance and creates a wall between the two of you. This wall means there will be mistrust, doubt, even fear whenever you must come together. Both of you will need to be ‘on guard’ and neither will feel completely comfortable.

Collaboration will be challenging. And productivity will be diminished to the extent that you waste time and energy worrying about how this person will react, how you will approach them, what you’ll say, etc.

In order to work through this and approach others from a different place, you must first shift from valuing your opinion to valuing the human being.

RESPECT is at the heart of every human interaction.

When you learn to respect the human being, understanding that they have needs that are not being met, then you can approach them from a different perspective.

Ready to learn a new approach? Here are some steps to take:

• Observe the behavior that is the source of aggravation or irritation.
• What you are feeling and thinking? Are you judging?
• Shift to a more open mindset. Be open to this person as a human being.
• What do you think they are feeling? Ask them. Summarize and reflect back to gain clarity and understanding. Continue to ask so long as they continue to share.
• What do you think they need? Ask them. Summarize and reflect back to be sure you are on the same page.
• What do you need, if anything?
• Make a request. Or tell them what you are willing to do.

The process itself takes some practice but, basically, you acknowledge that they feel something and work toward understanding what it is they need. This is empathy in action. Step into their world to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Then, ask them what they need.

Most people have absolutely no experience with this. They are used to being talked AT, told what to do, or talked back TO. They often expect a fight, especially when the dynamic between you has been going on for a long time.

This will be a new experience for both of you.

When we shift from judging the person to understanding the person and relating to them on a human level by helping to identify their feelings and uncover their needs, people feel heard, they feel valued and validated. We build trust in our relationships. We respect the person.

When we judge, people feel attacked. And they defend. Often, they approach you the next time with suspicion and an expectation of judgment.

When you don’t judge but rather you acknowledge their pain, they respond differently. They open up and this diffuses the emotion between you.

It takes practice to manage yourself as you go through the process. However, it is well worth the effort.

In this case, Barbara may never ‘like’ her boss. But that is not what’s important. What is important – and what Barbara really wanted – is to be able to speak with and deal with her boss in a way that does not cause aggravation or stress and develop a better working relationship.

In this way, they both can enjoy working together and experience more peaceful and respectful interactions.

How might you practice these steps in your communications? Leave your comments below.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Do you have someone in your life that you struggle to communicate with? Schedule a free coaching strategy session today!

Compassion requested. Struggle is optional.

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Whenever you feel some emotion within your relationships, it signifies that there is unfinished business – there is something left unsaid that needs to be cleared up.

The “space” in our relationships refers to the space we occupy or share when we come together in work or play.

So when you feel some emotion – angry, sad, disappointed or even happy, elated, and excited – you bring that emotional energy into our space when we come together.

I will feel your energy but I may not understand it. You need to explain it to me. Either by telling me how you feel or asking me for something you need me to do. This is “clearing the space”.

When we don’t talk about it or clear things up, the emotion festers and slowly, it can eat away at us, destroying the relationship over time.

“Clearing the space” is essential for keeping the relationship intact. And it is NOT easy to do. There are many reasons why people do not share their feelings or ask for what they need. Often it simply boils down to fear – fear of rejection, fear of not knowing what to say, fear of ridicule.

You may think it is easier to keep silent. But the emotion festers, and resentment builds. Then, when one more thing happens, BOOM! You explode! Screaming all of the things you have built up over time.

The other person is awestruck because they had no clue you were bottling all this up within you. They had no idea that you didn’t approve of what they did on that project. Or that you were annoyed with their way of handling a client. Then they become defensive, yell back, and, well, it’s not a pretty site.

This can, in fact, put such distance between parties in a relationship that they struggle to recover. And sometimes, they don’t recover.

Keeping the space clear by sharing what comes up – when it comes up – takes commitment and personal responsibility.

You accept responsibility for your feelings and when something occurs, you step up and share it without judgment; without making the other person wrong; without screaming. You simply ask to speak with the person and tell them how you feel and what you need from them.

Or you can bring up the issue if, in fact, you did something that seems to be upsetting them. This takes strong sense of self but you can learn to speak up and take responsibility for your behavior.

No, you cannot take responsibility for the other person’s feelings; they own their emotions – just as you own yours. (Don’t let them manipulate you with guilt. Your power is in accepting responsibility for YOU.)

This is how we build trust in our relationships. It demonstrates leadership and maturity. There is no hidden agenda. And, most importantly, this is how we honor ourselves and the other person, by telling them how we feel and making things right.

Humans FEEL, after all. We have feelings. And if you do something I don’t like, then I need to tell you how I am feeling so you can stop. If you do something I do like, then I need to tell you so you can continue. You feel good. I feel good. And the space we share when we come together feels good because in that space, I know that you honor me and that feels good to me, which makes me want to enter your space more often.

‘Clearing the space’ is almost a sacred thing. By talking about how we feel, by being open without blaming, threatening, complaining or making the other person wrong, we can build great teams. We can build amazing relationships at home – with our kids, our spouse, even our parents!

COACHING TIP: Consider the space in some of your most important relationships. Is there something that needs to be said – something that is muddying up the space? What can you do or say that will clear the space and create a better feeling when you two come together?

Is there anything that holds you back from asserting yourself in this way? What is your fear?

Only by facing our fears and saying what needs to be said can we create the kind of relationships that allow us to be our best. If the space is muddy, we are not going to want to enter. We will avoid the person. And that is not in our best interest – not in the relationships that matter at work and at home.

Take the time to devise a strategy for ‘clearing the space’. Let me know how it works out.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want help with this? Contact me to arrange a free ½ hour coaching strategy session and get the support you need! Don’t wait. Struggle is optional. And your peace of mind is worth it.

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Do you get scared or worried?

Do you shut down and say nothing?

Do you become defensive? This person is, after all, telling you that some

thing you do is wrong or inappropriate. Do you feel the need to defend yourself?

This is a self-esteem protection mechanism. You defend your right to exist – even though in reality, the person is merely telling you something that you DID that didn’t feel good for them; you interpret that to mean that YOU are no good as a human being. And your self-esteem cannot handle that so it begins to fight.

And it feels bad. Rarely ends well. And neither party feels heard or valued.

Are you thinking about what is wrong with the other person? Well, if they are going to judge you then certainly you can come up with a few things about them that are bothersome!

This tit-for-tat doesn’t work well either. Both parties wind up arguing and one-upping each other in the “let-me-tell-you-what-is-wrong-with-you” department, and neither party feels heard.

The result? Both people feel devalued. And then what happens? DAMAGE CONTROL!

When we do not value each other up front, we have to do damage control later. And damage control always feels bad! (Even though the hugs are good.)

What might be a better, more gracious way of accepting feedback?

What if, instead, you simply listened? Perhaps you could ask a question to better understand where they are coming from. Invite the person to tell you more about how they feel and to explain themselves so that you truly understand how they perceive you or your actions. This is a true test of a leader.

What is feedback anyway? It is simply perspective that someone is willing to share. It is perception; a thought, an idea. It is NOT truth. It is an idea of reality from someone else’s point of view.

And they are entitled to have their ideas.

Whenever you can receive feedback, it is a gift. Accept is as such.

You cannot possibly know how you impact the lives of others until they tell you.

By allowing them to share – without reacting harshly, without becoming defensive and without judging them – you create a space of trust that is comfortable for them to inform you of what they are thinking or feeling.

At this point, once you have listened and truly understand them, you can then share your own thoughts and clear the space if there is misinformation on their part.

Graciously accepting their perspective does not mean you agree; it simply means that you are willing to listen, that you value this person enough to hear them out and to acknowledge their feelings in this matter.

Only by receiving feedback can we learn about ourselves so we can improve, make changes or adjustments, or choose to keep doing what we are doing. By seeing feedback as a gift rather than something to be feared, we acknowledge our humanness and the right of another to have a perspective and to share it. Healthy relationships rely on feedback without which there is too much guesswork and mind reading. We need to be able to speak up and share, and be heard and listen. Communication is at the heart of our relationships. Receiving feedback is part of it.

Next time someone offers you feedback, just listen. Take it in. Do not judge. Maybe it’s really helpful. Maybe it is positive, even though you might be expecting the negative. Thank the person for sharing – for having the courage to share. And see how your relationship strengthens.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want some help to be more gracious with feedback? Contact me today to schedule a free 1/2 hour coaching session.

P.S.S. Learn the five step process for being more assertive! Watch for details coming soon!

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This teleclass will not be offered again in 2010.

If you are interested in learning the 7 Keys to Successful relationships, then register today!

When? Thursday evenings from 7-8pm Eastern Time beginning January 28^th and continuing 2/4, 2/11, 2/18

How much? Only $77 per person

What will you learn?

• Transcend conflict when it arises
• Speak up for yourself and get your needs met
• Acknowledge and appreciate others to get more cooperation and productivity
• Manage your emotions and create environments that bring out the best in you and others  

Click here to register. ONLY A FEW SPOTS REMAIN!

Your Coaching Partners for Success,

Julie and Teresa

Julie@NurturingYourSuccess.com 610-277-2726

Teresa@U2ThePowerofU.com 540-318-6053

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