It was a wonderful day. My husband spent the day with me. We didn’t do a lot. There wasn’t a lot of fanfare. We were just together and that was priceless.

One of the special things about life is knowing that you are cared for and loved. When I checked my email, it was wonderful to see all of the birthday wishes! So many people took the time to wish me a happy day. I feel so blessed!

The emotions we experience during life is what makes life real and enjoyable. We all want and need to feel that we matter. Yet, how often do we deny our emotions? We know people who are so guarded they will not let anyone too close to enjoy their presence. This wall of resistance keeps people out – it also keeps the individual locked in.

When we hide behind a wall, we are not allowing ourselves to love or be loved. We are hurting and scared. This interferes with our relationships and our ability to get close to others, to trust.

And just like us, other people have walls. They, too, are hurting and are scared.

We can use empathy to help us to understand what might be going on for others; we can also learn to be more patient and understanding with ourselves. This is the lesson we are here to learn – to learn how to love and be loved. When we allow others to help us, to share with us, to care for us, we experience love.

So today – and every day – let’s learn to love, to bring down the walls that we hide behind and learn to give our best to the world. Imagine if we all approached others coming from *love* as opposed to fear and from *abundance* as opposed to lack. We would all feel better, safer and happier and the world would be a better place.

Thank you for the happy birthday wishes. I feel loved.

And if no one has told you yet today how special and wonderful you are, then let me be the first. You are wonderful! You are loved!

- Just because you are you!

To your health and happiness,

Julie Donley, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success and motivating you to be your best!

Author of The Journey Called YOU: A Roadmap to Self-Discovery and Acceptance

Author of Does Change have to be so H.A.R.D.?

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All of us can relate to feelings of fear especially when they are born from thoughts about change that is out of our control.

This fear is created in your mind from thoughts that craft the worst case scenarios. Your imaginary center goes wild constructing dramatic stories about a potential – and often negative – outcome. There is no fact to the story; it’s a fantasy. In choosing to give this thought process your attention, fear erupts within you as you anticipate this outcome becoming your future reality. Then you experience the “fight or flight” phenomenon and this physiological reaction makes it feel so real.

But it’s not real. It’s a story concocted in your mind. Your mind is playing tricks on you.

Stop. Step back from your thoughts and look at the facts. What do you know and what is unknown? You can succumb to the fantasy created by your untamed mind OR you can decide to embrace reality and take control by making good choices about what you would like to see happen and who you’d like to become in the process.

In the case with my client above, he has no idea what this new boss wants or how she feels about being shuffled into this new position. His first step is to be curious about the new boss and to learn what she needs from the manager in order to be successful in her new post. Yes, your job is to help your boss be successful.

Then he can ask for what he wants and needs from his new boss.

By being proactive, my client can set expectations for his new boss as he describes the department and how things work.

Awareness of the emotional reaction and the thoughts causing it is crucial for gaining control. Once you are aware, then you can take a step back and ask how you’d like things to be moving forward. You can craft a new story that focuses on success and identify the role or part you will play in making it reality.

You can expect success and take actions to create that success or you can allow your fear to take over forcing you to shrink, stress out and feel powerless.

Read the entire article here…

To your health and happiness,

Julie Donley, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success by helping you be your best: work through change, lose weight and restore your health

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There is no better advice to live by but to always ‘do the right thing’. This way, you live in peace, you’re less stressed and anxious, your conscience will be clear and you feel good about the choices you make.

Of course, what is the right thing? It depends upon the situation; it may be different depending upon the circumstances.

The right thing is not always the popular thing. It is not always what our friends and family want us to do. But it is what we need to do in order to sleep at night and to feel good about ourselves. There is no one to impress when it comes to doing what is right; we do it because we should and it’s what we need to do.

At the end of the day, you answer ONLY to YOU. And at the end of your life, there is no other human being judging you. YOU judge YOU.

Why, then, would grown men who know better not do the right thing? Why would you continue to permit wrongs be perpetrated against those who are less capable of speaking out? In the case of Penn State, why would anyone allow a person to potentially continue molesting children?

“Why” is often a difficult question to answer. Denial is one reason. People have a very tough time believing that their friend and colleague could perpetuate such a horrific crime against another human being. We hear this quite often of spouses (children, parents or neighbors) of murders who cannot believe the person they love could do such a thing.

It is easy to blow it off and go about life as usual. This is another reason to not get involved – it’s easier to keep your mouth shut and cover things up if you must. After all, it often causes a mess when things become known to the world. Reputations are ruined and life is disrupted. People abhor change; it’s often very challenging and people prefer to avoid and escape (in fantasyland, addictions, TV etc.) than face the situation. They are scared and often don’t want to be involved.

Another reason to do nothing is the idea that if you do nothing, it will just go away.

Well, it doesn’t go away. Molesters, especially, have an extremely high rate of recidivism. Treatment has not been found to be very effective.

This kind of ‘cover up’ happens all the time in a multitude of ways every day – at work, with cheating spouses and with taxes. You may suspect physical or sexual abuse situations, drug abuse and addiction, severe depression, overwhelm or some other mental problem. But they are often just suspicions. It is not easy to know the correct course of action. You don’t want to get someone into trouble; you don’t want to be the mean guy, and you may fear retaliation.

Is there a rule of thumb we could follow?

If you do nothing – hoping someone else will get involved – then you are passing the buck. Each of us have a responsibility to each other. If you do nothing, you give the behavior permission to continue.

Report it and allow an outside, objective third party determine the truth of the allegations.

If it turns out not true, often lives have been ruined and it is hard to pick up and start over. But from every situation there is something to learn and lessons to overcome. That person must grow – and mature – from the experience. Why and how did they put themselves in a position to have this happen? There must be a reason they attracted this into their life. They are still responsible for their life experience.

However, to do nothing when there is good reason to suspect something is wrong, is unacceptable.

When my friend committed suicide recently, all of us asked ourselves ‘what could we have done to help him?’ When there is nothing you could have done, you know you did the right thing.

Of course, that is hindsight. Hindsight is great for judging your actions and for learning how to be more effective in situations moving forward. In the case of my friend, we all approached him and tried to get him help. He refused. There is only so much you can do for others before they must do for themselves.

Sometimes, even when you do the right thing, there can still be bad outcomes.

Other times, the investigation does not turn up enough information to take corrective action. But trust is eroded and the person then needs to rebuild that trust.

How does one live today in a state of grace and do the right thing for self and others to prevent guilt, avoid mistakes and avoid tragedy?

This is the key question. We all want to avoid bad feelings! So, in order to feel good about yourself, your decisions and your life, then here are some steps you can take starting today:

1) Be aware. Don’t keep your head in the sand. Pay attention to your surroundings and to the people around you.

2) If you think to yourself: “What is wrong with this picture?” chances are something is wrong. Check your suspicions with someone else.

3) Don’t turn a blind eye to wrong doing. To know it and do nothing means you are giving the behavior permission. How many of us wished someone could have spoken out BEFORE the Enron fiasco, BEFORE millions were lost with Madoff…? If no one hears you the first time, say it again. Tell someone else. Be bold and take a stand.

The world needs us to STAND FOR SOMETHING. That is the message of the day. Our children need heroes, the kind that fight for what is right – that’s us!

And the less we tolerate, the higher the standards and the less crap we attract. The more we stand for what’s right, the more we teach and learn to do right.

Today, stand for something and do the right thing. You’ll be glad you did.

Julie Donley, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success to be your best, be healthy, live happily.

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Can you relate? It is easy to find ourselves wishing we had more time to take care of ourselves. There are so many things that require our attention. It is easy to believe that there is no way to change, no way things could improve, no way to make a difference. And if you believe that, then you are right. You won’t do anything different. You will continue to tell yourself this is the way it is and nothing will change. You will remain unhappy and wishing, praying, hoping for something different. Years go by and you tell the same story of wishful thinking, sadness and powerlessness.

This way of thinking is a trap. Yes, there are many demands for your time and attention and many of them are important responsibilities. However, there is nothing and no one that deserves your attention more than you. In fact, if you do not give yourself the attention and loving care you need, who will?

“You are the most important person in your life. Without you, what do you have?”

Really, if you don’t take care of your body, it will break down. If you don’t find time to care for yourself and instead put everyone else ahead of you, you will feel resentful and angry. If you don’t take the time to feed your spirit, life will pass you by and you will feel full of regret. Happiness will be elusive and you’ll wish life could be easier and better than this.

Commit to putting yourself first.

Your life depends on it. Your health and well being is dependent upon you taking time from your busyness to care for YOU. Make yourself the priority. YOU come first, then everyone else. When you learn to put the proper value on you and your health and well being, you begin to see that the reasons you say you cannot work out, save money or diet are really excuses. They are ideas, rationalizations and justifications for why you don’t. They may be really good ones and you have believed them for a long time; in order to take charge of your life, decide today that there is something more important. And that something is YOU.

Identify one thing you could do today that would impact you/your health greatly and take a step.

Find one little thing that will be easy and possible for you to do today. It could be something you stop doing, something you do less of. Just one little thing. You can come up with one little thing.

Then tomorrow, come up with another little thing. Take another step toward your health and well being.

Keep it simple. Make it easy.

To your success in health, wealth and love,

Coach Julie RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

Author of the new book: Does Change have to be so H.A.R.D.?

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Here is a beautiful slide show of our wedding day. Enjoy the show!

http://video214.com/play/QLwsP7US65yt01R70JQ1dw/s/dark

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~Nurturing Your Success

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Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success 

Apache Blessing

Now you will feel no rain,

for each of you will be the shelter for the other.

Now you will feel no cold,

for each of you will be the warmth to the other.

Now you are two persons,

but there is only one life before you.

Go now to your dwelling,

to enter into the days of your life together,

and may your days be good and long upon the earth.

The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it. It is a sort of divine accident and the most wonderful of all things in life. ~ Hugh Walpole

Falling in Love

And wherever you walked, she walked with you.

And wherever you sat, she sat with you.

And whenever you slept, she slept with you.

And whenever you awoke, she awoke with you.

And however you felt, she felt that way too.

And whatever you decided, you decided with her in mind.

And whoever you are now, you are that thanks in part to her.

And this where, when, how, what, and who, is called the mystery of love.

I Love You

I love you – not only for what you are,

but for what I am when I am with you.

I love you for the part of me that you bring out.

I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things

that you can’t help dimly seeing there,

and for drawing out into the light

all the beautiful belongings that no one else

had looked quite far enough to find.

I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life, not a tavern, but a temple;

out of the works of my every day, not a reproach, but a song.

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People shared some beautiful thoughts and poems – which I will share with you in future posts.

At night, after the wedding, Lou asked me why we didn’t write something to each other. We had been focusing on our nuptuals. He had difficulty sleeping and when he got up in the morning, he wrote this to me about our journey together – his first poem ever! Who knew he could write so beautifully? I have a feeling there is much more to him…

Let me know your thoughts. Enjoy -

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

~*~

US

Kids

Children going to school

A friendship is made

Parents

Meeting on a playground

A friendship is born

Trust

Earned as sleepovers come and go

years pass as days go by

Death. Divorce …Change

One moves, another further

Friendship dormant, but never forgotten

Life goes on

Fate

Friendships missed

A knock on the door, one afternoon

Lunch

Friendships strengthened

Realizations revealed

The night my world changed

Thoughts

In my dreams

In my arms

The line is broken

Friendship becomes something more

Is this true

Years pass

Love breaks through

Families unite

Time progresses

The question asked

Rings bought

Finally

The day comes

A day to remember

Me

Confident and successful

You

Confident and successful

US

Forever more

To the love of my life

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Often, people can become very upset, angry – even irate - when asked for favors; when people at work ask you to do things or to take on projects; when family asks questions that are intrusive; when neighbors ask to borrow; or kids ask you to buy yet another thing they don’t need.

People can ask of you whatever they want; that’s assertiveness. In fact, if you don’t ask the answer is always no. You ask to see if it is possible to get a positive response.

When asked, however, it is up to you to be assertive in your response. Take the time to check in with yourself to determine how you feel and if this is something you want, then speak up with your response.

The other day one of the nurse managers asked if I wanted to try some potato chips. They were buttermilk and herb flavored and people were digging in.

It was nice of him to ask. I felt included. After all, he doesn’t know about my personal quest to lose 50 pounds.

This was a test of will for me. In an instant, several thoughts ran through my mind: but you are on this quest and you would have to enter those points into the Weight Watchers point tracker which would ruin your days’ point allowance. Do you really want to use your points this way?

I said “no thanks”. It was easy; I’m not a big fan of potato chips.

But what felt good was that it was not an automatic response. I didn’t have the need to “fit in” or be nice. I checked in with myself to identify what I really wanted, what was important to me, and then responded. He wasn’t offended. And that was that.

When you get angry that people ask and allow yourself to become emotional, you are focusing on something over which you have no control. It is likely that you will lash out in your anger if your emotions are not tamed.

• You might react with hostility and snap back. Some people are very good at shooting darts with their words.
• You may talk about the person to others, “Can you believe what she asked me to do? What a ^&*#!”
• You may feel that you have no choice but to comply, and then blame the person for asking.
• You may have a need to please or to be liked.

It is not their fault you have these needs. It may seem like they are taking advantage of you; but it is human nature to ask the person they believe will do the work and do it well. Ever hear the saying: Ask a busy person because they will get it done. Then the busy person wonders why they are so incredibly busy, overwhelmed, and stressed out.

Instead of getting angry, be assertive. Start speaking up and saying no.

Being assertive means that you:

• take the time to notice how you feel,
• make a decision that works best for you,
• then speak up in a way that is respectful and appreciative.

You no longer are at the mercy of your needs – or your emotions. You do not act out of obligation or need to comply or please, but rather do what is in your best interest. You honor yourself.

You are polite in your reply. You might express gratitude for the opportunity.

Do NOT apologize. If you decline, be gracious but not apologetic. You are making a choice that affirms YOU. Never apologize for that.

You don’t control what people ask or how they might respond to your reply; you only control you.

Being assertive puts you in the driver’s seat, focusing on what you CAN control (YOU), and giving you the freedom of choice. Taking charge of your time and your responses is empowering. You also gain people’s respect, increase your confidence and are more productive.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

PS. Want to learn to be more assertive? Schedule a 30-minute free coaching session to learn how coaching can teach you the skills you need to gain the cooperation and respect of others.

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Do you apologize for things that are completely out of your control?

How about apologizing for other people’s behavior?

Do you tend to apologize just to see if the other person will apologize?

An apology can be a very cathartic act. It can mend fences and build bridges. It is an act of a true leader when you are able to admit a wrong or mistake.

An apology done well is powerful. For this reason, making an apology should be taken very seriously.

When they are thrown around without much thought, they lose their potency. An empty apology does not serve you but rather can diminish the respect others have for you.

Why do we struggle so much with apologies?

1) Some people don’t ever want to admit they are wrong. This relates to their self-esteem, although they might not admit it. Human beings are of greatest value. When a person cannot accept their value, they seek something external to give them the validation they need. Often people’s value is attached to their ideas. To the person whose self-esteem is attached to their ideas, admitting you are wrong means that YOU are wrong and you cannot NOT have value.

2) Other people don’t want to be seen as weak. They don’t want to make a mistake. They seek perfection. To admit fault is to admit failure, in their perspective. They value appearances over truth and humility.

3) And others apologize for everything. Guilt, shame, needing to be liked or needed, or fear of confrontation or conflict causes them to accept responsibility for everything. Their fear is in charge and they are at Fear’s mercy.

How well do you do with apologizing? Here are some dos and don’ts for making an apology:

Read more…

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want to learn to be a more powerful communicator? Contact me to schedule a free coaching session today to learn how coaching can benefit you.

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Then why did you ask?!

Did you ever have this happen to you? You are talking about your situation and how you feel about it and the other person starts to talk about their own stories, stealing your moment. It’s as if they do not have the space to listen to you; they are only focused on themselves.

And that is the truth. Often, people don’t have the space to truly be empathetic. They care or they want to care – they have compassion – but they do not know how to step into your world without bringing you into theirs.

It has to do with needs and self-esteem. Your self-esteem needs to feel valued and if you don’t have high self-esteem, then you will attempt to get value through other means such as work, ideas, valuables, and your stories. You need attention or to feel important in order to feel that you have value.

You won’t realize you are doing this, however. It takes communication skills and self-awareness to be able to manage through this one.

How do you handle it?

Well, first, pay attention to be sure YOU don’t do this to others. It feels bad. When someone is experiencing pain, you want to be able to listen to them and be with them as they discuss their pain. Turning the conversation to you and your stories is disrespectful and can be hurtful too.

If you tend to do this, just notice when it happens and turn the conversation back to the other person. You can simply say, “Please continue.” Don’t fuss about it. Don’t apologize; just give the stage back to the other person. Keep practicing.

If someone does this to you, realize that they don’t know they are doing it. If you become emotional about it – angry or upset, depending upon your situation at the moment – stop, breathe and realize it is not personal. They are not being mean. But you do need to TAKE CARE of yourself. If this person has needs in this moment, you may not be in a position to deal with them.

TAKE CARE of yourself first.

Asserting yourself means asking for what you need. If you need an ear, ask if they can give that to you. Mention that you prefer to keep this about you.

Or you can simply back off; this person may not be someone who you can share your pain with. Not everyone has the capacity to listen, truly listen to another human being without trying to fix them or without talking about themselves. This is a self-esteem issue for them and, guaranteed, they don’t know it plays out this way or how it impacts others.

Excuse yourself and choose someone else or use a journal. If it seems you have very few people in your life who won’t give advice or tell their stories without just being there to hear what you need to share, then we need to work to improve your community. Your relationships need to support you to be your best and, at your most trying moments, finding someone to listen should be easy, not difficult.

Ultimately, it would be good to advance your personal development to the point where you don’t need anything from the person, where you are able to see fairly quickly that this person does not have the capacity to meet your needs and you can give them the recognition or attention they seem to need in the moment without feeling bothered. You can give it, or not, but either way you are able to manage yourself so gracefully even during a time when you are emotional.

So practice keeping the conversation about the other person and when it is about you, see what happens. Just notice how people struggle in this area.

Identify your needs and ask to have them met safely. Your relationships will improve dramatically and you will feel more empowered.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Do you struggle with being heard in your relationships? Perhaps hiring a coach would be the perfect solution. Contact me today to arrange a free coaching session and see how coaching can help you achieve your goals.

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