Elizabeth struggles with procrastination.

Lydia struggles with completing her homework. She thinks it’s dumb. She hates doing it. It is a huge chore although it does not take very long. She admits that she does the homework because she enjoys getting good grades; that is important to her. The reward is the grade but she gives herself such a hard time – every day – just to get the work done.

Anne is dealing with an issue from her past. After being wrongly fired, she is fighting the company in court. She wants things to return to the way they were before this event. The company is offering a settlement, recognizing their wrongdoing. She is struggling with moving on. She only can see what she had; she is struggling to envision a new future. She is stuck in the past.

These are just a few examples of how we cause ourselves pain and stress and generally give ourselves a hard time.

• we put things off
• we think too much about doing something rather than just doing it
• we don’t see the value in what we need to do
• we hold onto things that we need to let go of
• we cannot envision another way to see life unfolding

Notice what all of these things have in common. They all take place IN OUR MINDS! Well, guess what? YOU control your thoughts. YOU control what goes on ‘upstairs’ (in your head).

• Instead of worrying about what you have to do, just DO IT. (There is a reason Nike’s brand works so well!)
• Instead of thinking about what you don’t like, focus on what is important to you. Identify the value in your work and focus on that.
• Instead of thinking about things you cannot change such as the past, focus on what you CAN change: You can change TODAY.
  
• AND instead of repeating the past over and over again, you can envision a new future.

You may be accustomed to struggling and stressing out. It’s become a habit. Don’t fight it; just decide to begin a new habit. Decide that you want peace, joy and fun over stress, struggle and overwhelm. And then go in search of that. You might not know what to do at first but stopping what you have been doing is a great place to start!

Eventually, new actions will become clear and you’ll find a new path and create new habits. Thoughts create actions and actions produce results. Change your thoughts and your actions will change. Over time, you’ll enjoy new results.

Simple. Easy. That’s the Julie Donley Way!

Who says that life has to be HARD? It’s HARD because we make it so.

If there is something you are struggling with, something in your life that seems really HARD, what might you do to let go and embrace an EASIER, SOFTER way? What would it look like to embrace PEACE instead of STRUGGLE? Leave your comments below. And let me know if you need some ideas as to how to stop struggling.

“Hard or easy, it’s how you think about it.“

To your health and happiness,

Julie Donley, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success. “Build a better you. Live a happier life.”

PS – Stop struggling with change! It doesn’t have to be so HARD! Learn more here.

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There is a place where you find yourself struggling, complaining and wishing things were different. You sense that you are a round peg trying desperately to fit into a square hole. You are stressed out, angry and frustrated. You know this place. We’ve all been there.

Struggle is a clear message that you are resisting something. It occurs when you refuse to accept reality. It is like walking into a wall hoping the wall will move out of your way. You wonder why your head hurts so much but you keep walking into the wall and bumping your head over and over again. You keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

You get angry and frustrated but things don’t change; the wall won’t budge.

The moment you let go and accept your reality, “Hey, there is a wall here!” suddenly your stress is relieved. It’s as if the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders. You can breathe easy again – or for the first time.

What are you resisting? What is it you are unwilling to face?

Change is H.A.R.D. when we resist it. Struggle is optional. Change can be easily embraced when we open ourselves up and surrender to what is. We have to stop fighting reality. This is another way our attachments show up. We are attached to our thoughts about the way things should be.

Denial is a strong force. It keeps us ‘stuck in the muck’ – as I call it. Our emotions offer us clues to our unhappiness. Oftentimes, if you just listen to yourself complain or explain or make excuses, you start to finally hear yourself and you acknowledge your pain.

Become aware of your resistance by paying attention to your emotions and actions – or lack of action. Where are you struggling? What do you need to accept? We spend so much time trying to move walls! We fight the “system” rather than accept the system as it is and then learn new ways to navigate through the system with integrity or find a new system that more closely parallels our values.

If you find yourself walking into a wall, stop hitting your head and make the choice to change course. Stop inflicting pain on yourself.

This is an excerpt from my new book Does Change have to be so H.A.R.D.?

To your success in health, wealth and love,

Julie Donley, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

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There are moments when you need a break – even just a break from thinking about what you are doing. You need to stop.

You may have reached a plateau.

Plateaus are great. They signify an ending. You have landed.You have achieved a certain level of success. You need time to adjust and get comfortable HERE. Change takes time – often longer than we expect it to. Plateaus are necessary for achieving new levels of success.

Often people don’t like plateaus because they have not yet reached their destination. You are HERE not THERE yet… But in truth, you are not where you WERE…

You may just need to rest.

Sometimes, we just need a break. We need to rest. We climb one step, then another and another. And then we stop on a landing. Don’t worry, you will not stay here forever; you’ll keep moving. But for now, just enjoy what progress you HAVE MADE. And stop whining and worrying about not being where you want to be.

Don’t invite stress!

Giving yourself a hard time because you-want-to-rest-but-you-have-so-much-to-do is a recipe for stress! Notice your thoughts. Resting is not the enemy here; trying to keep going is. We hurt ourselves when we push too hard, when we do not recognize the signs and symptoms for needed rest. In fact, when we get ill, that is often the first question: what is your body trying to tell you? It’s been talking for a long time; you just were not listening!

When we allow ourselves to become overwhelmed and stressed, we feel horrible, we give ourselves a hard time and things take longer than they would if we had just taken a break. We must learn the art of self-care and self-preservation. We are, after all, human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. We don’t do the ‘BEING’ very well, do we?

Celebrate your success to this point.

Too often we keep moving and moving and we don’t stop long enough to enjoy, reflect and admire our work! If you cannot be happy with what you have, doing more won’t ever make you happy.

You must learn to revel in the moment, acknowledge how far you have come. Look at where you were compared to where you are NOW! Aren’t you amazing? You have come SO FAR!

Exercise experts tell us that it is very healthy to rest muscle groups between work outs. The rest is just as important as the stress we apply during workouts because this is where we rebuild and mend. Your muscles need that break to heal and to grow.

And so do you.

Give yourself permission to stop once and awhile. Breathe. Take a vacation. Enjoy a weekend getaway and leave the lap top and cell phone at home. My friend Scott Saghirian likes to camp; there is no service in the campgrounds which makes it easy for him to ‘unplug’.

How do you unplug? Do you give yourself a hard time when you want to stop? Leave your comments below. I’ll check back later. It’s time for me to unplug now.

To your success in health, wealth and love,

Julie Donley RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

Pick up your copy of my NEW BOOK Does Change have to be so H.A.R.D.? NOW AVAILABLE ON KINDLE!

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When in doubt, do without.

Little did I know at the time that I was accessing my intuition and my own sense of integrity.

‘Doubt’ is that little still voice of wisdom telling you that something isn’t quite right. Intellectually, you may try to battle it out with differing views in your mind. One voice is the voice of reason; another is practical; yet another is negative.

Can you think of a time when you experienced this kind of battle in your mind? You have several voices in your head trying to justify and explain a different point of view. (And NO, I’m not talking about being schizophrenic or multiple personality! lol) It is very stressful and can create feelings of overwhelm and anxiety. You can become fearful and paralyzed. We have all experienced this. Imagine having this kind of conversation at a family dinner table! Oh, what fun!

If you are in this space, it means you are not clear about what to do. And this means that you simply need to WAIT.

Do nothing. Give yourself some space and time to reflect and ponder. You can exercise or meditate and NOT think for awhile. Distraction – doing something else – is a wonderful tool to create distance between your mind which wants to rationalize and analyze, and the answer which has not yet become clear.

By using distraction, exercise, reflection, discussion, journaling or meditation, or even just giving yourself some time (hours, days or weeks), the answer simply comes to you and you are clear about the right choice for you. You KNOW what to do and you feel confident in your choice. Until you KNOW, just wait.

Let’s look at some examples: an easy one is making a purchase. Often, people buy out of impulse. You’re in a hurry and you see something you like. When in doubt, do without.

However, if you are good at returning items, you may prefer, especially if it is a one-of-a-kind item, to make the purchase and return it later should you decide that it really isn’t what you want. If you are the kind of person who just shoves it in the back of the closet, then stick to the rule: When in doubt, do without. In this way, you respect yourself AND your money.

Another example is a biggie, like deciding to get divorced or take a new job. When it doubt, wait. Learn to trust yourself.

There is not always a simple answer as to what you ‘should’ or ‘should not’ do. Often, other people want to tell you what to do – “Divorce the lying (or cheating) spouse!” But that person is not in your shoes. They are not experiencing your pain. It’s easy to tell someone else what to do when they don’t have to deal with the consequences of the decision.

Wait. Take care of yourself. Talk about it. Journal. Do other things. Don’t avoid making a decision; just be sure to tame your emotions first.

See, often when we are faced with a big decision, we become emotional – scared, anxious, excited. This also occurs when someone does something to trigger an emotional response. These emotions make it impossible to THINK CLEARLY. So you ‘WAIT’ or PAUSE to give yourself time to ponder and reflect. When you relax and nurture yourself with some TLC, you create an emotional shift that allows you to experience the emotions so the energy is dispersed, your mind clears and you are free to make a good decision, one that is in your best interest.

When in doubt, wait. And when it’s time to choose, choose wisely and stand by your choice.

To your success in health, wealth and love,

Coach Julie RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P S – Pick up your copy of my new book – Does Change have to be so H.A.R.D.?

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He had ideas in his mind about how the evening would go. He had, in fact, envisioned his whole evening.

Good for him! This is a wonderful skill that we can use to teach him the art of goal setting and “visioning” for success.

But what angered him was that he had expectations about this fantasy or vision coming true. And when it didn’t, he was angry.

He had little control about the evening. I was driving so, of course, I was in charge. I’m sure that contributed to his anger and frustration. He felt a sense of powerlessness and blamed me for his predicament.

But instead of talking about his feelings of frustration and disappointment, he yelled at me. He was disrespectful. His behavior did not change the situation. He still was not going to get the fantasy to become reality – his vision was not possible given the events of the evening. He  had unrealistic expectations. The only thing the yelling did was create distance between us and send him to his room for the evening once we got home!

This morning, he apologized. And when I asked him what he was apologizing for, he said, “I had expectations.” We laughed!

It is certainly a unique experience to grow up with a coach for a mother!

We all do this. We have ideas about how things should be. We envision the future, situations, interactions, etc. We fantasize about life, our kids, our relatinoships, and our work.

Fantasizing and envisioning are wonderful ways to identify what we want and to even map out a path to get there.

The fantasy is not the problem. The problem is that we come to expect that the fantasy will be our reality. We become attached to our fantasy and then become angry when our ideas about life differ from reality. This gap is the problem. Reality is our problem. And the problem is all in our mind (our thoughts about what we believe should be).

Recognition of the gap and acceptance of the situation is the first step in solving the problem.

When we experience the awakening that our expectations will not be met or that the fantasy will not come true, we experience an emotional reaction. If we do not monitor ourselves, we will explode, which is what happened for my son. He didn’t manage himself very well (but much better at 14 than when he was 8. We are improving with age!).

However, this emotional reaction is very helpful, IF we don’t let it hijack us. It lets us know that something isn’t right. We may need to adjust our expectations or update them; or we may need to speak up about something that is out of integrity, hurtful or impolite.

Obviously, I have expectations about how my son (anyone) should speak to me. And when he crossed the line, I spoke up.

Expectations are tricky. Expectations help us to navigate through life. But we must remember not to become attached to them.

Today, pay attention to your expectations.

You can reveal them by monitoring your emotional state. Where are you feeling angry, frustrated or annoye? Identify the expectation you have. What do you need to accept? Is there something you need to address, someone you need to talk to or perhaps, reevaluate the ideas you have about the situation.

Let go of being attached to things outside of your control meeting your expectations. You’ll be much less stressed and your relationships will be much less strained.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

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Perhaps this way of life is what you’ve gotten used to. Over the years you’ve added new people, places and responsibilities to your schedule and your life without removing anything. Now you find yourself overextended.

In my coaching work with clients, I often use the analogy of digging holes. People tend to dig a hundred holes, one foot deep. They have their hands in so many things; they are all over the place. And because there is only so much time and energy in a 24-hour period, their relationships and their commitments are superficial at best – one foot deep. There is only so much time and energy they can give to each of the hundred things they have going.

Living this way has its benefits: you might feel important. You might feel good about having so many interests. You might even enjoy the feeling of being busy sometimes; it gives you a “rush” running on adrenaline all day. It might serve you to run all over the place if you are running from yourself: from past hurts, from current pain, from loneliness. But the fact is that you go with you everywhere you go and the hurt remains, even if it is buried underneath the superficiality of your life.

This way of living also has its downfalls. We know that using adrenaline as an energy source is damaging to our bodies and causes heart attacks and other problems (strokes, insomnia, depression). Running so fast during the day means that at some point you crash; usually it happens at the end of your day when you are ready to spend quality time with your family. Of course, you are not in a condition of quality. Also, juggling so many things takes up a lot of personal RAM or brain bandwidth. Your mind tends to race, even when you are trying to shut down at bedtime. “Peace” is not part of your vocabulary and slowing down seems like more of a dream than a possibility. You also might find that your life lacks meaning.

Instead of trying desperately to manage a hundred different things, what if you were to focus your energy and attention to only a few things, and take it really, really deep? Thirty feet deep. How would that be different?

Read more…

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

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Last week was crazy! If you are like me, you want to do everything you can to be a great parent, be there for the kids and provide for them as best you can AND take care of everything else that is required of you.

In addition, I am on this quest for weight loss. This means I work out every day and must carefully plan my meals. In other words, I need time for me too.

Sometimes, especially during times of great change like the start of a new school year, the demands made on you are huge and you become overwhelmed.

Eventually, you will create systems and structures for fitting in additional activities and demands on your time. But at first, it can be very stressful.

How do you manage to stay sane and juggle everything successfully?

With only so much time in the day, there will be limits as to what can be accomplished and how well you can accomplish everything. Overwhelm always means we must DO LESS, which is not so easy when there is MORE to do!

Here are a few strategies to consider for reducing overwhelm:

1) Get it done rather than striving for perfection.

Perfectionism can be a huge hindrance and time waster. Consider what is of greatest value. During crazy busy times, getting it done is more important than how well it gets done.

2) Procrastinate where possible.

Often we feel we must do it all and do it all NOW! But there are many things that we can let go of. If something can wait, let it wait. Practice prioritizing and assigning value to activities. Give yourself permission to put off things that are not priorities. This is responsible procrastination.

3) Delegate when able.

Do ONLY things that MUST be done BY YOU. Anything else, find someone to share the load. There are certain chores the kids can do. Other things have to be done by an adult, so consider…

4) Outsource priorities that others can do even better than you.

Pay someone to do things that are of value but that you, yourself, do NOT have to do. I recently hired someone to clean my home, something I do not enjoy doing and that takes up a considerable amount of time. She loves it and my home is clean.

Consider going out to eat one night during a chaotic week or pick up sandwiches.

Do what you can, let go of the rest. Rules can be bent during times of great change. The rules are merely guidelines really.

5) Give yourself a break.

Don’t give yourself such a hard time. You CAN do it all – just not all at once! You can only do what you can do. If you eliminate unnecessary stuff and focus attention on doing what is most important, you’ll feel good about all you do rather than beat yourself up for the things you cannot do.

6) Do one thing at a time.

Look, multitasking is fun but it CREATES chaos. Focus on the one thing that you choose to do and things will move along smoother. Then, you can shift your focus to the next thing. Trade your time for something of value. In this way, you get each thing done and spare yourself the stress of having a bunch of half-completed items.

Learning to live without overwhelm is a choice. Some people enjoy chaotic lives so take heed – don’t learn from them! Do what you can, focus on one thing at a time and you will be the very best you can be without getting yourself into a tizzy. You’re family will thank you.

Comment below – I would love to hear how you manage yourself during times of great stress and change!

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

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It burns you up inside until you have no choice but to comply with whatever it is telling you is right. And you cannot move forward.

“Stuckness” refers to an overwhelming feeling of not having choices. You are paralyzed by your thinking.

Sometimes, guilt occurs BEFORE you change something in your life.

Guilt causes you to stop, take heed, and don’t change. There is no clear reason why you shouldn’t change things; Guilt simply doesn’t want things to be different.

Guilt doesn’t give reasons; guilt’s job is to tame you and keep things safely in your comfort zone. It likes the status quo, you see. Who do you think you are to change what it is accustomed to?

Consider this: you are fed up and want change. You decide you can no longer continue this way and you begin to take steps to change your circumstances.

BUT, you feel guilty about changing – you’ll disappoint people, what will other people do without you, blah, blah – so you hem and haw and finally, you recommit to the way things are now. Guilt holds you back from moving forward.

It becomes a vicious cycle of pain, struggle and heartache. You are a prisoner to Guilt.

Coaching Strategy for Success: Move beyond your guilt by giving yourself the POWER TO CHOOSE. Do what is best for you because you want to, not because you think you have to. Even things that are your responsibilities (have tos) are choices. You never have to; you choose to.

Guilt can also show up AFTER you’ve made your change. You left your husband. You changed jobs. You moved across country.

But you feel guilty about your decision and, since it is too late, the change has already been made; the guilt serves to keep you unhappy, miserable and well, stuck. You are not free to enjoy the changes you’ve made. This thinking keeps you focused on the past and wishing things were different…

Even if you are glad that you are not where you were!

Consider life as a journey of a thousand miles. Guilt has you looking behind you at what happened before. Being at choice means you are present and focused on what is here NOW.

You cannot change the past; there are no choices there. You either accept the past, or drag it with you into today.

By giving yourself permission to choose, you open yourself up to possibilities for a better future – and a more enjoyable today.

Guilt assumes that what you did was wrong and, therefore, YOU are wrong, bad and should be punished.

That’s guilt; it’s a form of self-punishment.

Coaching Strategy for Success: Move beyond your guilt by opening up to NEW PERSPECTIVES about your past behavior. What if you’re actions were perfect? What if the actions you took were important and essential – that you did the right thing and it was very brave? Hmmm…

Possibility thinking offers a new perspective and works to shift your focus from beating yourself up to opening yourself up. And once you are open, you are at choice and in command – rather than at the mercy of your Guilt – and you can move forward.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

PS – Got guilt? Schedule a free 30-minute coaching session to learn how coaching can help free you from your guilt and embrace happiness.

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Whew. Now I can breathe.

Overwhelm is a wonderful opportunity to identify areas that need attention. It is time for CHANGE! I must let go of old thinking and welcome someone else to clean my home. She will most assuredly do a better job than me because cleaning is not my specialty.

In The Journey Called YOU, I introduce the Time Enjoyment Model© where we compare ”skilled” with “enjoyment”. Quadrant four is anything you do that you do not do well and you hate doing. These activities cause stress and should be outsourced when possible. This quadrant is where the least amount of your time should be spent because you will not enjoy yourself here.

Quadrant one, however, is time spent doing things you are good at AND enjoy doing. This is where your work and most of your activities should fall because this is where you will excel AND have fun.

People who structure their lives doing only the things they do well and enjoy doing have a great life! They perform at a level of excellence, are highly paid and have fun!

Quadrant two is where you have little skill but have fun – this could refer to hobbies or to something you are just learning. A little time here is okay.

People who spend too much time in Quadrant three are often unhappy. This is where you are skilled but you are not enjoying what you do. This could be a great job that pays well but you hate it. Not a very comfortable place to be…

Admitting defeat, in my example, means that I have finally surrendered to my reality. If I want to keep working out and planning my meals in addition to taking care of my family and clients – and writing my new book - then I need to create some space in my time. I need to delegate or outsource some things that take up my time - things I do not need to do myself.

How do you know what to delegate?

Look at what frustrates or stresses you. Identify things that fall into Quadrant four – Unhappy and Unskilled. Ask the following questions:

• Am I the best one for the job? If not, who is?
• Can someone else do this job for me? Will they be able to perform the task in a way to produce an acceptable outcome?
• Is this something I want someone else to do? Or do I prefer to do it myself? (This gives me the choice.)
• Do I have the time, energy and resources to commit to this?
• What do I value in this situation? In other words, what is most important here?
• What would be the costs to do it myself vs. delegating or outsourcing?
• What are the benefits?
• What do I need to let go of (such as control or limiting beliefs – ‘women should be able to bring home the bacon AND clean AND cook AND be the family chauffeur you know’)

In this example, I value cleanliness. I enjoy having a neat and clean home. I am not the best one for the job and, if I want time to do other things that I would not outsource or delegate, such as working out (can you delegate that??) or coaching, then cleaning is one area that could easily be outsourced. The kids would never be able to perform up to standards so forget delegating! I can hire someone quite reasonably as to make hubby happy that it fits in the budget.

And the best part - the woman I hired is SO excited to clean my home! I gave her a job.

When we give up something that causes us struggle and strife, we find someone who, for them, this task falls into their Quadrant one – is skilled AND enjoys it. That’s how things work.

So today, I let go of needing to be the one to clean my own home – the limiting belief that I have to do it myself. And it feels pretty darn good. I know it will feel GREAT after she cleans for the first time and then, knowing I won’t have to do it the following week, ah, tears of joy start flowing just thinking about it.

Why did I wait so long and suffer so much??? I wasn’t ready to let go until now…

What are  you holding onto that you could outsource or delegate? I’d love to hear your story. Leave your comments below or send me an email Julie@NurturingYourSuccess.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

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Notice the little comments you make throughout the course of your day. These little comments perpetuate the unhappiness and pain you experience each day.

Cynicism is a form of anger. It represents a general mistrust of the motives of others.

With cynicism, you take a piece of information, perhaps an experience, and extrapolate it to apply for everyone at all times. It does not allow for an objective look at the situation at hand.

You know cynicism when you hear it because it usually ‘lands’ poorly. What I mean is that, it has an emotional impact when the words are spoken. Language really matters. Whatever you say will impact the other person and, it impacts you as well. It reinforces your beliefs and how you think about the issue or situation.

I am getting married in a few months. Here are a couple of comments people made to me:

• “It’s nice to hear someone wants to get married.”
• “Oh, so there are some good men out there?”

Cynicism speaks volumes about where you are in your life. We can interpret these two comments coming from women who have been hurt in the past and still carry around their pain and anger.

What a shame. They are missing out on creating new loving relationships.

At work, cynicism abounds.

• “That will never work. We’ve tried.”

Cynics often feel belittled, alienated, underappreciated, and overwhelmed.

But what do you expect if your thoughts are negative? Every time you make a negative comment, you reinforce your negative thoughts and your view of the world, supporting and strengthening your expectation that everything is negative, bad, painful, or difficult. If that is what you believe, how can it be anything different?

If you believe that there are no good men (or women) out there, then you will look for – and find – men that fit what you already believe. And you will, of course, tell yourself, “See, you are right!”

You see what you want to see so be careful what you look for.

How do you reform your cynical ways?

1)      Notice where you are cynical. Observe your emotions when your comments or thoughts feel bad. Notice when you make others uncomfortable and listen to others when they tell you about your negativity.

2)      Be open to allow for other possibilities. Although you may have pain from your past that does not mean that you will always experience pain or difficulty. Isn’t it possible that you could have a different experience?

3)      Shift away from your limiting belief. How do you do that? Once you notice yourself stating some negative fact: management is always giving us these projects that never help us but only add to our workload. The “never” is your clue that it’s a limiting belief. Simply add the word “yet” to the end of your sentence.

• “I have yet to meet a man (woman) that I would want to marry.”
• “Management has YET to give us a project that makes our workload easier.”

4)      Look for what is good and what is working well. Get accustomed – get comfortable – with seeing the good and experiencing what is good. Cynicism is a habit. Break the habit by replacing it with something else.

Look for what is good and wonderful and promising. Be open to the possibilities. People really do try to do their best. Management is doing their best. When you look for the good, you start to see possibilities that you never dreamed of and you begin to create new realities.

Most importantly, you start to enjoy some happiness – at work and in your relationships.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Join Teresa and I for our upcoming TeleClass series CREATING AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIP! The 7 Keys to Success beginning on Thursday, January 28th at 7pm Eastern Time. HURRY! There are a few spots left!

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