Clearing the Space in Your Relationships

You feel bad. Your coworker did something that bothers you and it’s on your mind – you cannot stop thinking about it. What do you do?

Whenever you feel some emotion within your relationships, it signifies that there is unfinished business – there is something left unsaid that needs to be cleared up.

The “space” in our relationships refers to the space we occupy or share when we come together in work or play.

So when you feel some emotion – angry, sad, disappointed or even happy, elated, and excited – you bring that emotional energy into our space when we come together.

I will feel your energy but I may not understand it. You need to explain it to me. Either by telling me how you feel or asking me for something you need me to do. This is “clearing the space”.

When we don’t talk about it or clear things up, the emotion festers and slowly, it can eat away at us, destroying the relationship over time.

“Clearing the space” is essential for keeping the relationship intact. And it is NOT easy to do. There are many reasons why people do not share their feelings or ask for what they need. Often it simply boils down to fear – fear of rejection, fear of not knowing what to say, fear of ridicule.

You may think it is easier to keep silent. But the emotion festers, and resentment builds. Then, when one more thing happens, BOOM! You explode! Screaming all of the things you have built up over time.

The other person is awestruck because they had no clue you were bottling all this up within you. They had no idea that you didn’t approve of what they did on that project. Or that you were annoyed with their way of handling a client. Then they become defensive, yell back, and, well, it’s not a pretty site.

This can, in fact, put such distance between parties in a relationship that they struggle to recover. And sometimes, they don’t recover.

Keeping the space clear by sharing what comes up – when it comes up – takes commitment and personal responsibility.

You accept responsibility for your feelings and when something occurs, you step up and share it without judgment; without making the other person wrong; without screaming. You simply ask to speak with the person and tell them how you feel and what you need from them.

Or you can bring up the issue if, in fact, you did something that seems to be upsetting them. This takes strong sense of self but you can learn to speak up and take responsibility for your behavior.

No, you cannot take responsibility for the other person’s feelings; they own their emotions – just as you own yours. (Don’t let them manipulate you with guilt. Your power is in accepting responsibility for YOU.)

This is how we build trust in our relationships. It demonstrates leadership and maturity. There is no hidden agenda. And, most importantly, this is how we honor ourselves and the other person, by telling them how we feel and making things right.

Humans FEEL, after all. We have feelings. And if you do something I don’t like, then I need to tell you how I am feeling so you can stop. If you do something I do like, then I need to tell you so you can continue. You feel good. I feel good. And the space we share when we come together feels good because in that space, I know that you honor me and that feels good to me, which makes me want to enter your space more often.

‘Clearing the space’ is almost a sacred thing. By talking about how we feel, by being open without blaming, threatening, complaining or making the other person wrong, we can build great teams. We can build amazing relationships at home – with our kids, our spouse, even our parents!

COACHING TIP: Consider the space in some of your most important relationships. Is there something that needs to be said – something that is muddying up the space? What can you do or say that will clear the space and create a better feeling when you two come together?

Is there anything that holds you back from asserting yourself in this way? What is your fear?

Only by facing our fears and saying what needs to be said can we create the kind of relationships that allow us to be our best. If the space is muddy, we are not going to want to enter. We will avoid the person. And that is not in our best interest – not in the relationships that matter at work and at home.

Take the time to devise a strategy for ‘clearing the space’. Let me know how it works out.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want help with this? Contact me to arrange a free ½ hour coaching strategy session and get the support you need! Don’t wait. Struggle is optional. And your peace of mind is worth it.