Developing Strong Self-Esteem in Children

Most people, in fact, 95% of us, experience self-doubt. We doubt ourselves, question our own abilities, and experience uncertainty.

And because of this uncertainty and self-doubt, we seek reassurance and validation from others. We need to feel okay with ourselves so we look for acceptance from others.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with seeking validation from others, we cannot gain self-esteem – our own sense of self-worth – from other people. It doesn’t work. No one can ever fill us up to the point of feeling good about ourselves and confident. We have to give that to ourselves.

And for many of us, we struggle with poor self-esteem, low self-worth, and the consistent doubts that we are good enough. Many of my clients take the assessment and find that their thoughts keep them from seeing their own goodness and experiencing happiness because they don’t feel “worthy”. And while they see the value is other people, they have difficulty seeing and embracing that they, too, have value as a human being.

The best gift we can give our children is strong self-esteem by teaching them to value themselves.

If a child can grow up and leave our home feeling comfortable with themselves, feeling like they are an amazing and incredible human being, and it’s their job to go into the world and discover their talent and enjoy themselves, then we have really done our job as parents.

How do we do this? Children need to feel that they matter, that they are good enough, and that they have value. We spend many years teaching kids to be good kids, often encouraging them to please us. But that often results in children who become adults still seeking to please their parents – or their boss, their spouse, their neighbors…

When do they learn to be good adults?

One technique I learned from a client who scores very high in the area of self-esteem. He informed me that when his mother used to praise him, she would always ask if he was proud of himself for his achievements. She would say, “You should be very proud of yourself.” In this way, he admitted that he learned to focus on pleasing himself rather than pleasing her. He discovered that if he did his best and succeeded, he was proud of himself and she was proud too.

Too many of us chase our sense of self by seeking feedback from outside ourselves. If we can shift the focus from our children pleasing us to them doing things that please themselves, they start to see the value in doing the right things and in succeeding.

We create a strong sense of pride in behaviors that feel good and bring rewards, and we develop their self-worth. Our children grow to be adults that do things to please themselves; they find the inner fortitude to endure and to work hard because it feels good for THEM rather than to please others OR to prove themselves TO others.

How might life be different if we could all shift from trying to please others to pleasing ourselves?

I’d love to hear from you.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie