Do You Tend to Be Overly Compliant?

There are rebels who push back when they perceive that people are impinging upon their freedom. They abhor authority.

Then there are those who obey out of a need (or compulsion) to comply.

This is known as the “good girl/boy” syndrome. You fear the consequences of not doing exactly as you are told. You are compliant. You do whatever is asked without question and still operate as the “good girl/boy” as an adult. You still ‘color within the lines.’

Do you know what the first word we learn as children is?

Yup, you’re right. It’s “NO.” Yet somewhere along the way, some of us forget how to use it!

Why do you comply?

**Take a moment to consider your response.

• Is it guilt?
• Fear? Fear of consequences or rejection?
• Needing to be liked or “good”?
• Is it habit? You comply without thinking or considering options. Perhaps you never stopped to consider changing your response or didn’t realize you have permission to challenge the request.
• As children, the message we often learn is that we don’t have a choice. We have to obey or else!
• But as an adult, are you still responding this way automatically? It is, after all, how you were programmed to respond. You just kept doing it as the years went by and now, no matter who asks or what they ask of you, you just do as you are told.

What is the impact this behavior has on your life?

• Do you feel people take advantage of you?
• Are you able to complete the things you need to accomplish in a timely manner?
• Do you feel good about yourself? How is your self-esteem impacted?

How does this feel for you?

• Do you feel resentment and anger?
• Do you feel as though you have no time for the things you want to do?
• Do you feel overwhelmed and stressed?
• Do you feel this need to comply is so strong you cannot imagine another way?
• How does it feel to say no? Have you ever denied a request? What was the result?
• What do you gain by complying? There has to be something you gain by doing what you do or else you wouldn’t do it. You may say something like, “People won’t be mad at me.” Or “People will like me.”

You may be ‘avoiding pain’ (fear is a strong motivator) rather than ‘gaining’ something.

Our brains are always seeking value. In your mind this means that ‘avoiding pain’ is of greater value to you than doing what is right or best for you.  In other words, your fear wins the battle.

Do you see how this way of thinking is running your life? You respond to avoid the perceived consequences of your actions should you make a different choice and, therefore, you BELIEVE you have NO choice. You MUST do as you are told.

People who learn to turn down requests quickly discover that lightening did not strike. The world did not end. And people still enjoy them. In fact, they learn that people have greater respect for them when they speak up for themselves. They are also more productive AND they have more fun doing what they enjoy.

YOU TOO can learn to be more selective at responding to requests and be more assertive.

The following steps will get you started:

1) Take yourself OFF automatic. Pay attention to yourself when people make requests of you. What do you feel? What are you thinking? What is the compulsion you have to comply? Where does it come from? Is it from your parents? What was the consequence for non-compliance? Consider what is going on for you at this moment in time.

2) Envision something different. What is your vision for how you would like to be instead?

A vision will help you identify qualities and characteristics that you need to develop. Once you see yourself behaving differently, you can then focus your attention on developing those qualities.

3) Pause before responding. Do not agree right away. Give yourself time – five minutes, an hour, a day – to think it through. Is it something you want to do, your responsibility to do? Do you have the necessary time and resources to complete it given everything else on your plate?

4) Only agree to things that feel right for you – things that are the best use of your time, talents, and ability AND things that you will enjoy.

Changing any habit takes time and practice and learning to be more assertive requires a specific set of *new* skills including a willingness to overcome your fears. So be gentle with yourself.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN

P.S. Do you need to learn new skills to be more assertive? Contact me to schedule a free 30-minute laser coaching session.