How Do I Deal With Someone I Hate?

This was the question from Barbara, a CEO, just the other day. “I’m happy with every other area of my work – even my personal life – but I hate to deal with my boss. Can you teach me?”

What you think of a person is your own personal bias or judgment and needs to be left out of the conversation or else it interferes with your ability to communicate effectively.

Judgment, or the potential for judgment, causes distance and creates a wall between the two of you. This wall means there will be mistrust, doubt, even fear whenever you must come together. Both of you will need to be ‘on guard’ and neither will feel completely comfortable.

Collaboration will be challenging. And productivity will be diminished to the extent that you waste time and energy worrying about how this person will react, how you will approach them, what you’ll say, etc.

In order to work through this and approach others from a different place, you must first shift from valuing your opinion to valuing the human being.

RESPECT is at the heart of every human interaction.

When you learn to respect the human being, understanding that they have needs that are not being met, then you can approach them from a different perspective.

Ready to learn a new approach? Here are some steps to take:

• Observe the behavior that is the source of aggravation or irritation.
• What you are feeling and thinking? Are you judging?
• Shift to a more open mindset. Be open to this person as a human being.
• What do you think they are feeling? Ask them. Summarize and reflect back to gain clarity and understanding. Continue to ask so long as they continue to share.
• What do you think they need? Ask them. Summarize and reflect back to be sure you are on the same page.
• What do you need, if anything?
• Make a request. Or tell them what you are willing to do.

The process itself takes some practice but, basically, you acknowledge that they feel something and work toward understanding what it is they need. This is empathy in action. Step into their world to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Then, ask them what they need.

Most people have absolutely no experience with this. They are used to being talked AT, told what to do, or talked back TO. They often expect a fight, especially when the dynamic between you has been going on for a long time.

This will be a new experience for both of you.

When we shift from judging the person to understanding the person and relating to them on a human level by helping to identify their feelings and uncover their needs, people feel heard, they feel valued and validated. We build trust in our relationships. We respect the person.

When we judge, people feel attacked. And they defend. Often, they approach you the next time with suspicion and an expectation of judgment.

When you don’t judge but rather you acknowledge their pain, they respond differently. They open up and this diffuses the emotion between you.

It takes practice to manage yourself as you go through the process. However, it is well worth the effort.

In this case, Barbara may never ‘like’ her boss. But that is not what’s important. What is important – and what Barbara really wanted – is to be able to speak with and deal with her boss in a way that does not cause aggravation or stress and develop a better working relationship.

In this way, they both can enjoy working together and experience more peaceful and respectful interactions.

How might you practice these steps in your communications? Leave your comments below.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Do you have someone in your life that you struggle to communicate with? Schedule a free coaching strategy session today!

Compassion requested. Struggle is optional.