How Well Do You Receive Feedback?

It’s not easy to listen to something negative about yourself. How do you normally react? How do you feel when someone gives you feedback that is not positive?

Do you get scared or worried?

Do you shut down and say nothing?

Do you become defensive? This person is, after all, telling you that some

thing you do is wrong or inappropriate. Do you feel the need to defend yourself?

This is a self-esteem protection mechanism. You defend your right to exist – even though in reality, the person is merely telling you something that you DID that didn’t feel good for them; you interpret that to mean that YOU are no good as a human being. And your self-esteem cannot handle that so it begins to fight.

And it feels bad. Rarely ends well. And neither party feels heard or valued.

Are you thinking about what is wrong with the other person? Well, if they are going to judge you then certainly you can come up with a few things about them that are bothersome!

This tit-for-tat doesn’t work well either. Both parties wind up arguing and one-upping each other in the “let-me-tell-you-what-is-wrong-with-you” department, and neither party feels heard.

The result? Both people feel devalued. And then what happens? DAMAGE CONTROL!

When we do not value each other up front, we have to do damage control later. And damage control always feels bad! (Even though the hugs are good.)

What might be a better, more gracious way of accepting feedback?

What if, instead, you simply listened? Perhaps you could ask a question to better understand where they are coming from. Invite the person to tell you more about how they feel and to explain themselves so that you truly understand how they perceive you or your actions. This is a true test of a leader.

What is feedback anyway? It is simply perspective that someone is willing to share. It is perception; a thought, an idea. It is NOT truth. It is an idea of reality from someone else’s point of view.

And they are entitled to have their ideas.

Whenever you can receive feedback, it is a gift. Accept is as such.

You cannot possibly know how you impact the lives of others until they tell you.

By allowing them to share – without reacting harshly, without becoming defensive and without judging them – you create a space of trust that is comfortable for them to inform you of what they are thinking or feeling.

At this point, once you have listened and truly understand them, you can then share your own thoughts and clear the space if there is misinformation on their part.

Graciously accepting their perspective does not mean you agree; it simply means that you are willing to listen, that you value this person enough to hear them out and to acknowledge their feelings in this matter.

Only by receiving feedback can we learn about ourselves so we can improve, make changes or adjustments, or choose to keep doing what we are doing. By seeing feedback as a gift rather than something to be feared, we acknowledge our humanness and the right of another to have a perspective and to share it. Healthy relationships rely on feedback without which there is too much guesswork and mind reading. We need to be able to speak up and share, and be heard and listen. Communication is at the heart of our relationships. Receiving feedback is part of it.

Next time someone offers you feedback, just listen. Take it in. Do not judge. Maybe it’s really helpful. Maybe it is positive, even though you might be expecting the negative. Thank the person for sharing – for having the courage to share. And see how your relationship strengthens.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want some help to be more gracious with feedback? Contact me today to schedule a free 1/2 hour coaching session.

P.S.S. Learn the five step process for being more assertive! Watch for details coming soon!