Is it better to stay in a bad situation or get out?

Sounds like a trick question. Of course it is better to end a bad relationship and be on your own or leave a job where you are being mistreated and undervalued for something better.

And yet, haven’t you ever stayed entirely too long in a bad situation – a job or relationship – hoping the situation would change or fix itself, believing that if you ignore it that it would go away, or allowing fear to overwhelm and keep you stuck?

It’s easy to say you would leave a bad situation when, in truth, most of us struggle with that decision, even when we know what is best for us.

One Monday morning, Joe tells Joanne, his wife of 20 years, that he had an affair over the weekend and that he is addicted to pornography. He was shaken up about what he had done and was ready to come clean. Joanne, although very upset, remained calm and used empathetic listening to learn about what it has been like for him and what he has been going through. They talked about his needing professional help. And she informed him that she would be moving out. The marriage was over – just like that.

How would you have handled the situation? Would you be able to stay calm and ask questions? Or would your emotions get the better of you? Would you be able to just pack up and leave?

Do not judge Joanne for her decision. You may have thoughts about saving him, helping your partner, the years you have ‘invested’ in the relationship, your commitment “til death do you part”, and many other thoughts including “What will I do now?” and “What will people say?”

Notice these thoughts. What would you do if this were your relationship?

There is no right or wrong. Notice the excuses, the rationalizations you make for your partner’s behavior. Notice how your mind tries to process the situation and what you say to yourself.

Imagine what Joanne must be feeling – anger, outrage, disbelief. She may be bargaining with the truth trying to grasp the reality of her situation. She may feel sad, ashamed or embarrassed. She may be angry at herself for not seeing it sooner. Was she really that blind?

What other feelings can you imagine someone might experience in a similar situation?

She handled herself so bravely and calmly and gracefully. How do you think she feels about herself?

In order to create an amazing relationship or enjoy great relationships with others in your life, there are several keys to success which I teach in my course called Creating Amazing Relationships. An amazing *anything* doesn’t just exist; you have to envision it and then take the necessary steps to create it.

One key is commitment. However, you have to know what you are committed TO. In romantic relationships, it is important that you commit to creating the relationship. You commit to being your best. Care has to be taken to not commit to the other person over which you have no control.

In this situation, it seems that Joanne was very clear about what she is committed to, what she stands for, what is important to her. She knew instantly that the commitment was severed – not when he actually became physical with another woman, but rather when he started escaping away from their marriage and into the world of pornography. He is an addict.

When you are in a healthy, mature relationship, you share yourself with your partner.

If you are drowning in escapism, however, whatever your drug-of-choice – debt, gambling, porn, drugs, drinking, even TV or video games – you do not have anything of substance to give.

One of the most important keys to success – in relationships and in life – is to BE YOUR BEST. In your relationships and your work, you create environments to help nurture your success and cultivate your best self to burst forth and experience all life has to offer.

This is impossible to do with a partner who is incapable of being honest with themselves, let alone with you.

Can you have compassion for someone, love them, and yet, still leave them?

Again, there is no right or wrong answer. But it begs the question, What is Love? Is ‘loving you’ about struggling to help you to change and get well? Or is it more about supporting you so that you can get the help you need? And if that is true, is it best to remain in the relationship hoping you take responsibility for your own growth or is it best for me to leave?

No one can answer that question except you.

What are you committed TO? Are you committed to your fear (of being alone, not being good enough, etc) or to your happiness and self-preservation?

To stay in a relationship or a job where you live in fear – fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough, fear of the future – or staying in a bad situation out of some kind of obligation rather than choice, may not be healthy for you. Your partner or employer gets to choose; why can’t you choose what is best for you?

It seems that is what Joanne did. She believed that she was worthy of better. This man has made many, many choices to get him to this place. She can choose to spend the next months, years, and decades alongside him as he struggles to get free from his addiction. She can try to forgive him and love him anyway. Or she can leave, heal herself, learn from this experience, and start a new life.

How can you become the kind of person who would no longer struggle with decisions like these? In what ways are you making excuses or escaping and avoiding?

Life won’t wait. Why should you?

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. There is no reason to struggle. If you are ‘escaping and avoiding’ something or living in pain, let’s start you moving toward freedom. Contact me to schedule your free coaching strategy session today.