Look for the Good in Others to Improve Relationships

What is your first thought when meeting someone for the first time? Do you tend to be judgmental and look for flaws, differences, things you don’t like? Or are you more likely to see what’s good and be open to learn more about this person?

There are several thought processes that can get in our way when dealing with people hampering our ability to create great relationships and be more productive and cooperative with others.

One particularly challenging thought process will consider all the perceived “flaws” in that person and their ideas.

It might pay attention to any handicap they have, their appearance, attitude, style, even their work. It will seek out things to judge and have an opinion about. For instance, my client was recounting an event that occurred and described the woman in the toll booth as having “painted on pants” because they were so tight. This was a completely unnecessary part of the story given the discussion was about the client’s behavior during the encounter and how she might have behaved differently. As she retold the story, she was able to see how this thought process interferes with her ability to relate to and empathize with others, which creates a lot of conflict in her life.

This thought process judges – and can judge harshly.

It has its own ideas about what is right or wrong about everyone and everything. By judging others, you strip them of their entitlement to be themselves. If not careful, this thought process can impede productivity by obstructing the path to cooperation, and causing negativity and poor morale. People won’t feel valued and there will be more conflict and bad feelings. It can also impact your personal relationships in much the same way. It doesn’t feel good when someone is always pointing out what’s wrong or bad, or telling you what they don’t like.

Another thought process that interferes with your ability to get close to others is your self-esteem.

Thoughts about you and your self-judgment can cause you to seek value from wherever you can get it, including your ideas about how things should be and how others should be. In your mind, disparaging thoughts about another person help you feel better about yourself even though you might feel guilty about entertaining these thoughts. Somehow, your SELF needs value, and in order to feel tolerable, even acceptable, your thoughts search for flaws in others to make you feel okay with yourself.

To gain control of your thought processes and improve your relationships with others, look for the good.

By looking for the good, it forces you to pay attention to that person. No multitasking because you have to be fully engaged to manage any negative thoughts that might creep into your consciousness. This adds value in many ways! It’s more productive when we listen to each other fully. You are much less likely to misunderstand them and it improves relationships because the person feels that you care.

Looking for the good in another keeps you focused on them rather than on you and any neediness you might have for attention and/or recognition.

And because you’re looking for the good, you are more likely to be interested in the person and what they have to say. This means that you are looking for common ground, things that are positive and useful. From this place, synergy and creativity is sparked and great relationships are formed.

Look for the good, get out of your own way, and acknowledge the person’s right to be themselves. It’s a pretty cool place to start building great relationships.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie