Make Other People Feel Good in Your Communications

This post was written by Julie Donley RN on July 7, 2009
Posted Under: Create Amazing Relationships

Mark asked me how he could remember to be more thoughtful in his interactions with his wife. They have been having difficulties that are finally being addressed in their relationship.

He suggested things he has tried in the past such as using a planner and writing down a list of reminders. He admitted, however, that this only works when he remembers to use it. It is difficult to follow through with and manage and takes a lot of time and effort.

I asked,

“How do you want your wife to feel when she is in your presence? How do you want her to feel during your conversations? What do you want her to feel when she thinks of you and your time together?”

His homework for this week was to identify three or four words to describe how he wants her to feel when she is with him. Then, he can use these words to inform and guide his behavior during their interactions.

Instead of focusing on what to DO which is often complicated, difficult to remember, and changes from interaction to interaction depending upon the moment, Mark will focus on evoking a feeling state in which both parties feel good. This is easy to do. It only requires practice and remembering to focus on the words you have chosen to guide your communication.

For instance, perhaps he wants his wife to feel heard, respected, and loved. He wants her to feel like she is the most special person in the world and that everything she says has importance. What are some of the things he can do to evoke these feeling states?

He might use empathy to listen to her, asking questions to learn more about her thoughts and ideas. He can validate her ideas, not by agreeing necessarily, but rather simply acknowledging her comments. And he also might use praise, compliments, and positive feedback to ensure she knows how wonderful she is in his eyes.

pointing Telling someone what to do, giving advice, cutting them off to finish their sentence, changing the subject, and shifting the conversation from them to you are all ways in which we diminish others, making them feel bad and devalued.

By focusing on what he wants for their relationship, Mark can start to change his behaviors so he becomes more like the man he wants to be. Changing his ways may not save the relationship, but the changes he makes in his personal development will have a positive impact on him and in his life.

You can do this with your other relationships as well. How do you want others to feel in your presence? What experience do you want others to have when they are with you?

Decide upon a couple of words that describe how you want others to feel and use these words to guide your actions whenever you communicate with others including emails and other writings as well as conversations.

As for me, may you always feel inspired, valued, and empowered in my presence. You are wonderful!