My Pain is My Pain; Don’t Make It About You

As a practicing RN, I recently hurt myself at work. I was sharing with someone my story when they immediately started talking about themselves – “I had two surgeries on my back. You don’t need to tell me about back pain.”

Then why did you ask?!

Did you ever have this happen to you? You are talking about your situation and how you feel about it and the other person starts to talk about their own stories, stealing your moment. It’s as if they do not have the space to listen to you; they are only focused on themselves.

And that is the truth. Often, people don’t have the space to truly be empathetic. They care or they want to care – they have compassion – but they do not know how to step into your world without bringing you into theirs.

It has to do with needs and self-esteem. Your self-esteem needs to feel valued and if you don’t have high self-esteem, then you will attempt to get value through other means such as work, ideas, valuables, and your stories. You need attention or to feel important in order to feel that you have value.

You won’t realize you are doing this, however. It takes communication skills and self-awareness to be able to manage through this one.

How do you handle it?

Well, first, pay attention to be sure YOU don’t do this to others. It feels bad. When someone is experiencing pain, you want to be able to listen to them and be with them as they discuss their pain. Turning the conversation to you and your stories is disrespectful and can be hurtful too.

If you tend to do this, just notice when it happens and turn the conversation back to the other person. You can simply say, “Please continue.” Don’t fuss about it. Don’t apologize; just give the stage back to the other person. Keep practicing.

If someone does this to you, realize that they don’t know they are doing it. If you become emotional about it – angry or upset, depending upon your situation at the moment – stop, breathe and realize it is not personal. They are not being mean. But you do need to TAKE CARE of yourself. If this person has needs in this moment, you may not be in a position to deal with them.

TAKE CARE of yourself first.

Asserting yourself means asking for what you need. If you need an ear, ask if they can give that to you. Mention that you prefer to keep this about you.

Or you can simply back off; this person may not be someone who you can share your pain with. Not everyone has the capacity to listen, truly listen to another human being without trying to fix them or without talking about themselves. This is a self-esteem issue for them and, guaranteed, they don’t know it plays out this way or how it impacts others.

Excuse yourself and choose someone else or use a journal. If it seems you have very few people in your life who won’t give advice or tell their stories without just being there to hear what you need to share, then we need to work to improve your community. Your relationships need to support you to be your best and, at your most trying moments, finding someone to listen should be easy, not difficult.

Ultimately, it would be good to advance your personal development to the point where you don’t need anything from the person, where you are able to see fairly quickly that this person does not have the capacity to meet your needs and you can give them the recognition or attention they seem to need in the moment without feeling bothered. You can give it, or not, but either way you are able to manage yourself so gracefully even during a time when you are emotional.

So practice keeping the conversation about the other person and when it is about you, see what happens. Just notice how people struggle in this area.

Identify your needs and ask to have them met safely. Your relationships will improve dramatically and you will feel more empowered.

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Do you struggle with being heard in your relationships? Perhaps hiring a coach would be the perfect solution. Contact me today to arrange a free coaching session and see how coaching can help you achieve your goals.