Stop Shoulding Yourself!

How often do you think, “I should have known” or “I should have done this years ago”?

‘Shoulds’ often mean you are judging your actions and your decisions from the past based on the information you have today.

That’s not fair.

“If you should have, you would have.”

With the information you had at the time, given your development and understanding of the issue, life and yourself, you made the choice you made. It was what it was and you were not wrong – you learned and grew from your choice.

Given the same choice today, with different information and a lot more experience, you might make a different choice. But it is really irrelevant because the past is the past.

Self-judgment creates stress and produces more negative thoughts as you berate yourself for

doing something in the past that you have no control over in the present. You cannot change the past.

But you can change how you respond in this moment and how you behave in the future. This is where you need to put your energy.

Ever hear yourself think or say, “I should go… I should take that assignment. I should help my friend”?

‘Shoulds’ can also be about the future and how you are to behave or act. ‘Shoulds’ used in this way are thoughts of obligation or duty. You feel as though y

ou HAVE TO, MUST or are SUPPOSED TO do something or behave a certain way.

These thoughts of obligation are based on rules you learned along the way – perhaps they are societal rules or things you learned growing up.

Unfortunately, these thoughts can be SO engrained in you that guilt overrides your sense of reason and forces you to take on yet another assignment, overextend yourself to yet another friend, charity or association event, or give money for things when you know you need it for yourself.

Guilt is a really hard motivator. It not only causes you to do things that you don’t want to do making you unhappy and stressed out, but also causes resentment to build. You feel angry because you are stuck doing things you don’t want to do but you can’t NOT do them because the guilt is overwhelming.

Whether you ‘should’ yourself about your past or ‘should’ yourself into things in the future, this is no way to live a happy and healthy life. Learn to be more assertive – with yourself – and take back your power!

Whenever you hear yourself ‘shoulding’, stop and assess: Is this about something in your past or the future?

If it’s about the past:

• Tell yourself “If you should have, you would have.”
• Stop beating yourself up and instead consider that you made the best choice you could at that time. Show the younger YOU some compassion and love.
• Give yourself credit for the choices you made in the past. What can you be grateful for? There is so much you have learned from this choice you made.
• Move your thoughts into the here and now. What needs your attention right now? What are you feeling or what do you need – reassurance, attention, love?

If you are about to do something out of obligation – because you ‘should’:

• Ask yourself if you really want to. Are you the best person for the job? Is this a valuable way for your to spend your time? Do you have the energy, time and resources to get involved with this right now?
• If guilt is the only reason for doing it, then give yourself permission to say no. Say no just because you need the practice! And then notice what happens. I promise, the sky will not fall down.
• What are you afraid of? “Guilt is fear turned inward”. And “there is no joy when living in fear.” The fear you experience has been created through your thinking patterns. It’s not real fear but rather the perceived fear that something will happen if you don’t ______ – fill in the blank.

Take back your power to live your life your way by being willing to assert yourself and do those things that bring you joy, fill you up, and make you feel great.

And stop ‘shoulding’ yourself!

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want some help to let go of the shoulds? Schedule your free coaching strategy session today and gain strategies for letting go of YOUR shoulds.

P.S.S. Do you ‘should’ on others too? How does that make others feel and what is the impact to your relationships? Perhaps we can discuss this at your coaching strategy session. Schedule a free ½ hour today.