What Are You Really Saying?

People make little comments that often speak volumes. Behind their words are feelings and needs that go unexpressed. When you listen to others, listen to what may be lurking behind what they say.

Nancy reminded her boss that she would be out next week for vacation – the kids are off for Spring Break. Her boss replied that she didn’t use all of her vacation time last year. Nancy makes sure she spends quality time with her family and uses her vacation wisely throughout the year.

Nancy started thinking about her boss and how she works a LOT of hours and started to become concerned that perhaps her boss expects her to work more hours as well. She is now somewhat fearful that this might impede the promotion she is seeking.

When others don’t use or take regular vacations, it can feel like there are unwritten and unspoken expectations that others will also be workaholics. Learning to define work balance for you is crucial to setting good work boundaries.

However, what is important to note here is that this was a wonderful opportunity for Nancy to use her assertiveness skills to empathize and be curious about her boss.

There is a question about this woman and why she feels she cannot take the time off she is entitled to.

• Perhaps she does not know how to spend the time. She may need to learn to have some fun. Or she may not know how to enjoy herself with her family. There could be issues here (It’s the psych nurse in me that wonders about that!)
• Perhaps she gets her self-esteem from her work and, if she is not working, she feels she is not productive and has no value.

There are many other possibilities.

Sometimes, asking seems uncomfortable because you feel as though you are intruding.

You can phrase your curiosity in different ways. For instance, Nancy might have asked, “What trip are you planning to take this year?” Or “When are you taking your next vacation?”  

In this way, we shift the conversation to be about the other person rather than going into our own heads and creating fears and worries unnecessarily. (Nancy is entirely too close with her family to allow herself to become so wrapped up in work that she neglects the other parts of her life.)

The comment, “I didn’t use all of my vacation last year” opens a door for exploration. Your reply could be as simple as, “What are your plans this year to ensure you use it all up?”

It is so easy to get lost in our own thoughts that we get distracted and forget to consider what the other person is feeling or thinking. By asking a question, we allow the other person to open up and consider what they have just said.

Using empathy means you have no agenda or expectation for their response; you ask and are curious out of love and respect, not out of some kind of inquisition; you do not judge them or try to fix them, but merely ask to seek understanding of where they are coming from and what they are experiencing. 

When they sense that you really care about them, they will feel comfortable exploring this with you.

Try listening to what people are REALLY saying – what is lurking BEHIND the words? People don’t say what they really mean because they often don’t know.

Asking questions helps them to understand themselves better. And it deepens the connection you share with them because they feel heard and understood. And, because you took the time to care, they feel valued, and we all need more of that!

Your partner for success,

Coach Julie, RN ~ Nurturing Your Success

P.S. Want to learn how to be more empathetic? Schedule a free 30-minute coaching session to learn how.

P.S.S. Is empathy and compassion lacking in your organization? Contact me to learn how empathy coaching, workshops or presentations would help in your organization.